This weekend was one like I have not had in a long time. After attending a birthday party for a co-worker of my best friend, where we entertained by both a magician and a psychic, our best friends requested that we join them at this club downtown. I had not been to the club since last summer, when we all went out to see a performance by a previous winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race. We had a lot of fun, but at the same time, I was quickly and easily reacquainted with the reasons why I don’t attend the festivities in the first place.
I will do my best not to discuss the general archetypes of the men I see in almost any club I’ve ever visited, but I will definitely say that very few of the men in there have faces that I would want next to mine in a wedding photo. There are a lot of attractive men, but I still get the sense that too many of the guys there are trying too hard to be the same person. They all want to be seen as “masculine,” however they define that, “sexy,” dressed in clothing that despite its size is still one or two sizes too small, and “approachable,” never mind the sauntering and grumpy faces that float in the darkness of a drunken 2:00am stupor.
So my friend asks me about why I don’t go approach men while I’m in the club. I begin explaining the science behind the approach and all of the items one must consider. In many cases, if the man is attractive enough to make you attempt an approach, often his demeanor is overly confident or offensively disinterested. I am not sure what avenues you use to meet men, whether the clubs you attend are online or offline, but this was just a little reminder of the true (and often forgotten) reality about being in the club.
Much of the lack of confidence stems from our adolescence, a time in which we began to notice all of the attractive men in our lives. Certainly things got tougher once we heard about and discovered sex, and all of the physical ways through which we show someone romantic interest, even if only for a moment. We continue this trend into our adulthood, becoming more comfortable with the notion of being inevitably single and alone, often to the point of subconsciously sabotaging budding or blossoming relationships over rather minute issues. We grew accustomed to admiring from afar and the fear of public humiliation or embarrassment at the first sign of unreturned interest. Somehow that doesn’t change once we’re in the club…not that the environment lends itself to conversation and privacy, but that’s a separate blog post…
So here are three quick tips to remember while you’re in the club with your friends, if you would like to meet someone you find highly attractive:
1) Leave the pack: Be willing to venture away from your friends for just a couple of minutes. They are grown adults and I doubt they will wilt, cry, or starve from your absence. Besides, you’ll have plenty more to talk about on the car ride home if you divide and conquer.
2) Remember this ain’t high school: Whatever hierarchy you have created in your own head is just that—created in your own head. Just because something is in high supply, doesn’t mean that it’s also in high demand. So what if you stick out like a sore thumb? It makes you easier to find amongst the crowd of posers and perpetrators.
3) Learn to laugh at their stupidity: Every conversation you attempt to start with a fine dude won’t be a homerun. Many will act like they are indeed too good to be in the same club you’re in. Perhaps they are busy dangling on someone else’s hook. Meanwhile, just be willing to say hello, if it’s not even about trying to date them necessarily. If they scoff at you, you can secretly scoff at how easily they pass up a good opportunity!
I am very aware that these tips are much easier said than done, but maybe one or two of them can really help you with being able to find a way to either become more approachable or to do more approaching. Right now, it just seems like everyone is thinking like Toni Braxton, and thinks everyone is “Looking At Me.”