Saturday, July 5, 2014

One Is the Loneliest Number

I realize I haven’t posted any items in a bit. Things in my personal life had been a bit hectic, but in the last few months, there have been some turn arounds, including a new job, a new place, and even a new car! So, thingas have been looking up, and just recently, I was reminded of why I was doing all of this other stuff in the first place. I have to be more consistent about this company. I do feel like I had temporarily lost my fire for it…but I’m back at it again!

Today’s topic is just kind of something I have noticed lately in a lot of the Black, gay Facebook groups that I see everyday on my newsfeed/timeline. A lot of these groups claim to be relationship-oriented, but they often contain the same prototype:

  • Same members as many other groups
  • Threads seemingly completely unrelated to the group type as a whole
  • Selfies of members requesting acceptance

It’s the last item that inspired this post. So many of these guys (who for the record are phyne…) seem to think that a perfectly-filtered selfie is going to be their ticket to the altar, and while many other members complain about this practice, no admins seem to care enough to patrol it. That got me to thinking about other things that I notice guys do that are nonsensical, illogical, immature, and not to mention inconsistent when it comes to their never-ending quest to find a mate. So I made a list! Here are the five basic reasons you (and I’m sure a few of your friends) are still on the market…

1. You are using the wrong bait.

Imagine a gay dating site where you HAD to have a nice face picture on your profile for it to be accepted and available for view by other members. …exactly. Selfies containing sphincter are not how you attract a husband.

Remedy: Either practice with your front-facing camera, or get a good friend to help you take a nice, clear, well-lit photo of your face. It’s not a mugshot, but men are visual, and the great majority of us would like to know who is vying for our attention.

2. You don’t follow through.

Through sporadic chats, either on the actual sites, or once you have graduated to texting, no one makes any plans. Even if you attempt it, it’s a flimsy one at that. You have to remember that it is highly likely that you are not the only guy competing (and you ARE competing) for his attention. So unless you set it in stone, you leave his schedule open for other suitors. You need to start to “hard schedule” plans. Texting1Say “Next Friday, at 7.” Don’t say “Next weekend sometime. Keep me posted.” That’s how the more immediately attractive guy gets in.

Remedy: Learn to make a plan. Agree on a time, place, and activity. Then, SHOW UP! No one likes to have their time wasted, but it’s amazing the number of guys who don’t appear to understand just how modern technology has made up-to-the-minute updates exponentially more possible.

3. You are boring.

This one is a touchy one, and I am certainly not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I know how true this is firsthand. When I say “boring,” I generally mean that you are either highly routine, or are busy doing nothing. You don’t read and/or watch TV. In most cases, you are simply one-dimensional. So, whether you are a queen, a thug, a nerd, or a professional, you never leave your comfort zone…or you make it terribly obvious when you do.

Remedy: Try to be more well-rounded. Go places you wouldn’t go when your friends want to go so you are at least familiar. Don’t condescend too much in any one direction. Visit museums, aquariums, libraries, AND amusement parks, bowling alleys, skating rinks, and clubs. You should be able to watch both Wendy Williams AND Stephen Colbert. Be aware without being obsessed. Conversation is strenuous, almost impossible, with anyone who has such a limited (stifled?) outlook. Don’t be that guy.

4. You’re not at peace with who you are.

You’re not realistic about what a good match looks like. Pictures are constantly posted and referenced with models with bulging muscles, sinewy skin and piercing eyes…but again, they are men, and they are visually attracted to (usually) like-appearing individuals.

I often get the sense that guys chase what they think other people think they should have. You don’t date enough men to know what you like, tolerate, or try. Sexual things are easy differences, but if you know you like something that others may not, don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to seek it out even. In the end, you are looking for a man for YOU…not your buddy…

Remedy: Take a bit of time to develop your “type.” Just think about what preferences you have. Develop your own interests, outside of gayness. There is more to you than who you sleep with.

5. You’re rushing.

It’s hard to expect a starving man to politely cook and cut a steak and resist the urge to just tear into it like a ferocious beast of burden. An analogy exists there…dramaqueenz

Life is not a sitcom or a rom-com. You can’t expect it to work out in 3 hours…if it even works out at all.

Remedy: Date. Stay in contact. Contact him at the beginning of the week to make plans for the coming weekend. Remember to hard schedule the date, and in the meantime, stay interesting so you won’t be boring when you meet up! After all, if a job won’t give you a promotion until after 12 months, is it not also similarly logical to wait a feasible amount of time before you promote a suitor to a boyfriend?

…and this is just the basic stuff! So many guys complain about the things that other men do, but won’t talk about the things that they themselves don’t/won’t do. These five items above account for more than half the men not in relationships (whom desire them). You want to stop sabotaging your “pre-lationships?” Take an honest look at The Man in the Mirror…

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Say It Like You Mean It!

If you haven’t heard it yet, let me be the first to welcome you to the next year of Talktriumph for you and us here at Kings ‘N’ Queens! The season of change inspires both introspection and analysis of one’s place in life: where they are, where they want to be, where they want to go, and perhaps most importantly, how they will get there.

As the holidays approach, we notice many of our more favorite television shows preparing to go on vacation until after the new year. One of my favorite shows is The Wendy Williams Show. I love her free spirit and her forthcoming nature. Her theme song (written especially for her) encourages her, and her viewers, to tell (and deal with) the unabashed truth! In light of the new year, the theme for this year will be COMMUNICATION IN TRUTH. To get you started, here are three types of people you should start being more honest with:

  1. Romantic Interests – This could go for either current boyfriends or across-the-room crushes at the club. Sometimes I think too many of us are afraid to show such a vulnerability to strangers, acquaintances, and even someone we’ve shared a house or bed with for the better part of year. I encourage you to be more forthcoming with your feelings. Challenge yourself to make sure that whenever you go to a club (online or offline) that you will make a diligent effort to strike up an engaging conversation with AT LEAST THREE people. This practice will help you make a better catch for someone else when something does happen; trust me! For those of you in relationships, try being more upfront with your boo (as the kids say) about issues in your lives. You’d be surprised how much freer you’ll feel as a result of simply sharing.
  2. Friends – What’s the point of having friends if you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t with them the whole time? Friends are supposed to be the one set of people on Earth with whom you can revel in the unabashed truth, free to judge, support, and console each other when need be. Be careful of whom you allow to attain such an esteemed title. Please remember that “a friend (when YOU are) in need is a friend indeed.” Some people have trouble with that adage…
  3. Yourself – This one is probably the most important of the entire list, but I ranked it at the bottom because it regards the most to say. So many of us are lying to ourselves, trying to convince others to see the person we want to be, as opposed to whom we really are. Let 2014 be a year of true contemplation, analysis and reconstruction. Make a plan and decide what you are going to do (measurable steps) in order to achieve it. Losing weight, saving money, and going back to school are three of the most common goals in the new year…but try not to fall off before March!

This new journey to truth should assist you in attaining many of your goals, but it is also HIGHLY important to remember the importance of tact when giving the truth to anyone. Tact takes a while to develop, but the practice is so beneficial. Increasing your vocabulary is a great way to learn how to more precisely describe your situation or explain your feelings when interacting with others. Remember that it is all about discovering obstacles, analyzing effects, and developing solutions in all parts of your life. We’re help to help you (and your friends) get where you want to be, especially with regard to your romantic situation!

Question: What types of goals do you think men could set to get where they would like to be romantically? What will you change about yourself and your approach to dating in 2014?