Tuesday, January 25, 2011

___ Birthday!!


It’s 3:30am, on the morning of my 27th birthday (which I probably wasn’t destined to have), and instead of feeling excited about the possibility of what’s about to come, I’m sitting at my desk, feeling very unloved and angry.Cake1

So many thoughts went through my mind as I tried to decide how to handle this post. I have so many dreams and goals left deterred or yet unfulfilled, and on top of everything else, my reality is not one I thought I would endure, nor one in which I would like to continue living. I am very distraught these days.

Every morning, I make a point of watching The Wendy Williams Show. …and of course, Wendy makes me smile with all of her silly and campy banter about people I largely couldn’t care less about. However, I have to genuinely say that I have NEVER seen anyone love their job so much while appearing to be doing what they were destined to do! I want so much to have that same happiness for myself, but have grown extraordinarily weary in my efforts to achieve it. I would go into greater detail, but I don’t believe this is the place for that. Suffice to say, however, things have not worked out…

I’m not entirely sure what exactly I am writing about. I thought about writing about my three birthday wishes. I thought about trying to somehow tie this post into romance, even at the discussion of my romantic life. I was trying to be clever, but I guess it’s just not in me right now. I may be rambling just a bit, but I do often do better when I’m dealing in truth. Right now, I feel like I did when I was in Japan. There are feelings of hurt, shame, and desire within me that I continue to shroud with a fa├žade made from indifference, loyalty, and inspiration.

As you can see, there were none of my magic lines in this post. Perhaps because I’m in such a… we’ll say “serene…” state. I am really hoping that things turn around for me at some point. Meanwhile, on this 25th day of January, in the year 2011, I will let Sarah McLachlan help me reflect on the events in my life that almost brought me to (and sporadically keep me fighting against) the Arms of the Angel