One Is the Loneliest Number

I realize I haven’t posted any items in a bit. Things in my personal life had been a bit hectic, but in the last few months, there have been some turn arounds, including a new job, a new place, and even a new car! So, thingas have been looking up, and just recently, I was reminded of why I was doing all of this other stuff in the first place. I have to be more consistent about this company. I do feel like I had temporarily lost my fire for it…but I’m back at it again!

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Today’s topic is just kind of something I have noticed lately in a lot of the Black, gay Facebook groups that I see everyday on my newsfeed/timeline. A lot of these groups claim to be relationship-oriented, but they often contain the same prototype:

• Same members as many other groups
• Threads seemingly completely unrelated to the group type as a whole
• Selfies of members requesting acceptance

It’s the last item that inspired this post. So many of these guys (who for the record are phyne…) seem to think that a perfectly-filtered selfie is going to be their ticket to the altar, and while many other members complain about this practice, no admins seem to care enough to patrol it. That got me to thinking about other things that I notice guys do that are nonsensical, illogical, immature, and not to mention inconsistent when it comes to their never-ending quest to find a mate. So I made a list! Here are the five basic reasons you (and I’m sure a few of your friends) are still on the market…

1. You are using the wrong bait.

Imagine a gay dating site where you HAD to have a nice face picture on your profile for it to be accepted and available for view by other members. …exactly. Selfies containing sphincter are not how you attract a husband.

Remedy: Either practice with your front-facing camera, or get a good friend to help you take a nice, clear, well-lit photo of your face. It’s not a mugshot, but men are visual, and the great majority of us would like to know who is vying for our attention.

2. You don’t follow through.

Through sporadic chats, either on the actual sites, or once you have graduated to texting, no one makes any plans. Even if you attempt it, it’s a flimsy one at that. You have to remember that it is highly likely that you are not the only guy competing (and you ARE competing) for his attention. So unless you set it in stone, you leave his schedule open for other suitors. You need to start to “hard schedule” plans. Say “Next Friday, at 7.” Don’t say “Next weekend sometime. Keep me posted.” That’s how the more immediately attractive guy gets in.

Remedy: Learn to make a plan. Agree on a time, place, and activity. Then, SHOW UP! No one likes to have their time wasted, but it’s amazing the number of guys who don’t appear to understand just how modern technology has made up-to-the-minute updates exponentially more possible.

3. You are boring.

This one is a touchy one, and I am certainly not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I know how true this is firsthand. When I say “boring,” I generally mean that you are either highly routine, or are busy doing nothing. You don’t read and/or watch TV. In most cases, you are simply one-dimensional. So, whether you are a queen, a thug, a nerd, or a professional, you never leave your comfort zone…or you make it terribly obvious when you do.

Remedy: Try to be more well-rounded. Go places you wouldn’t go when your friends want to go so you are at least familiar. Don’t condescend too much in any one direction. Visit museums, aquariums, libraries, AND amusement parks, bowling alleys, skating rinks, and clubs. You should be able to watch both Wendy Williams AND Stephen Colbert. Be aware without being obsessed. Conversation is strenuous, almost impossible, with anyone who has such a limited (stifled?) outlook. Don’t be that guy.

4. You’re not at peace with who you are.

You’re not realistic about what a good match looks like. Pictures are constantly posted and referenced with models with bulging muscles, sinewy skin and piercing eyes…but again, they are men, and they are visually attracted to (usually) like-appearing individuals.

I often get the sense that guys chase what they think other people think they should have. You don’t date enough men to know what you like, tolerate, or try. Sexual things are easy differences, but if you know you like something that others may not, don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to seek it out even. In the end, you are looking for a man for YOU…not your buddy…

Remedy: Take a bit of time to develop your “type.” Just think about what preferences you have. Develop your own interests, outside of gayness. There is more to you than who you sleep with.

5. You’re rushing.

It’s hard to expect a starving man to politely cook and cut a steak and resist the urge to just tear into it like a ferocious beast of burden. An analogy exists there…

Life is not a sitcom or a rom-com. You can’t expect it to work out in 3 hours…if it even works out at all.

Remedy: Date. Stay in contact. Contact him at the beginning of the week to make plans for the coming weekend. Remember to hard schedule the date, and in the meantime, stay interesting so you won’t be boring when you meet up! After all, if a job won’t give you a promotion until after 12 months, is it not also similarly logical to wait a feasible amount of time before you promote a suitor to a boyfriend?

…and this is just the basic stuff! So many guys complain about the things that other men do, but won’t talk about the things that they themselves don’t/won’t do. These five items above account for more than half the men not in relationships (whom desire them). You want to stop sabotaging your “pre-lationships?” Take an honest look at The Man in the Mirror…

Say It Like You Mean It!

If you haven’t heard it yet, let me be the first to welcome you to the next year of triumph for you and us here at Kings ‘N’ Queens! The season of change inspires both introspection and analysis of one’s place in life: where they are, where they want to be, where they want to go, and perhaps most importantly, how they will get there.

As the holidays approach, we notice many of our more favorite television shows preparing to go on vacation until after the new year. One of my favorite shows is The Wendy Williams Show. I love her free spirit and her forthcoming nature. Her theme song (written especially for her) encourages her, and her viewers, to tell (and deal with) the unabashed truth! In light of the new year, the theme for this year will be COMMUNICATION IN TRUTH. To get you started, here are three types of people you should start being more honest with:

1. Romantic Interests – This could go for either current boyfriends or across-the-room crushes at the club. Sometimes I think too many of us are afraid to show such a vulnerability to strangers, acquaintances, and even someone we’ve shared a house or bed with for the better part of year. I encourage you to be more forthcoming with your feelings. Challenge yourself to make sure that whenever you go to a club (online or offline) that you will make a diligent effort to strike up an engaging conversation with AT LEAST THREE people. This practice will help you make a better catch for someone else when something does happen; trust me! For those of you in relationships, try being more upfront with your boo (as the kids say) about issues in your lives. You’d be surprised how much freer you’ll feel as a result of simply sharing.
2. Friends – What’s the point of having friends if you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t with them the whole time? Friends are supposed to be the one set of people on Earth with whom you can revel in the unabashed truth, free to judge, support, and console each other when need be. Be careful of whom you allow to attain such an esteemed title. Please remember that “a friend (when YOU are) in need is a friend indeed.” Some people have trouble with that adage…
3. Yourself – This one is probably the most important of the entire list, but I ranked it at the bottom because it regards the most to say. So many of us are lying to ourselves, trying to convince others to see the person we want to be, as opposed to whom we really are. Let 2014 be a year of true contemplation, analysis and reconstruction. Make a plan and decide what you are going to do (measurable steps) in order to achieve it. Losing weight, saving money, and going back to school are three of the most common goals in the new year…but try not to fall off before March!

This new journey to truth should assist you in attaining many of your goals, but it is also HIGHLY important to remember the importance of tact when giving the truth to anyone. Tact takes a while to develop, but the practice is so beneficial. Increasing your vocabulary is a great way to learn how to more precisely describe your situation or explain your feelings when interacting with others. Remember that it is all about discovering obstacles, analyzing effects, and developing solutions in all parts of your life. We’re help to help you (and your friends) get where you want to be, especially with regard to your romantic situation!

Question: What types of goals do you think men could set to get where they would like to be romantically? What will you change about yourself and your approach to dating in 2014?

Out With the Old; In with the New

…as the expression goes! Happy New Year to one and all! I’m back for another year of riveting tales, groovy music, and mountaintop-worthy advice! I thought I might start out with a little quick discussion about recent events in my own life.

Back in mid-December, I took a journey to Dallas, Texas, to visit a longtime online friend for a first meeting. (Who does that anymore, right?) In any event, despite my inexperience with Dallas, and my friend (who we’ll call “Tommy”)’s reluctant family, I had a very nice time with a very quaint individual.

However, after my return to Atlanta, Tommy and I had a very interesting conversation in which a mistake from my past (that I neglected to mention to him while in Dallas) caused concern for the potential of our relationship. Tommy felt that I should have been more forthcoming with the information. I purposely omitted the item because I knew it had the potential to ruin an otherwise highly enjoyable experience. In any event, after our initial discussion, I decided that I need not be concerned with potential out-of-state suitors when there is no guarantee of any further contact between us.

That was the hot topic until approximately a week after I got home…

An old friend that I have known for over three years (who we’ll call “Victor”) called me to let me know he was en route to Atlanta from Michigan. He and I have had a very high volume of sexual tension between us over the years, and since NYE was days away, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity for a NYE kiss. Well, long story short, the kiss didn’t happen.

I asked Victor privately his reasons for why we had yet to begin a relationship, hookup, or even kiss… He listed his answers, and while I had replies for them, it completely dashed any hopes I had of ever actually being with Victor. The day before he left, Victor and I had another discussion about what exactly our relationship was, and what it had the potential to do…or maybe where it had the potential to go. I explained to him how I felt highly offended at some of the things to which he made reference in our previous conversation, and also how I have a laundry of things I think he could change because we don’t agree on a lot, but I look past it (or try to, anyway) because I like him.

As I saw his car drive off, heading back the depressing tenements from whence he came,  (coupled with my Dallas adventure), I was reminded that I am far too desirable by men to be virtually “begging” anyone to be with me! I’m too giving, empathetic, and highly intelligent to be with someone that I had to “convince” to date me, like I’m trying to sell a house on a fault line. …and you don’t have to settle, either! If he doesn’t want you, find someone who does…flaws and all.

I promise he is out there, but you’ll never find your prince wasting time kissing dead frogs…

It’s a new year, and hopefully, you’ll have enough dates (through KNQ or otherwise) in time to attend your wedding on 12-12-12! (You know it’s gonna be en vogue this year to do it!) So, like Toni says, redo your Wardrobe!!

Excuses, Excuses…

Yesterday, a fairly good friend of mine sent me this article, in which the author gives a top 5 list of the reasons that MEN who are reluctantly single remain that way. I must preface my opinions below by informing you that I am assuming that the author is discussing STRAIGHT men, but I also assume that most of these principles apply.

In short, the article explains five different prototypes of men who seem to remain single despite being otherwise irresistible. Let’s see how many of these men we know, shall we?

1) The workaholic: I believe I told you a story that alludes to this very idea. I still believe that a very large percentage of us put all of our energy into working because we believe it’s one of the few things that we seem to have direct control over, unlike our love lives. Unfortunately, though, this attitude will eventually lead us to the Coming to America conundrum in which we will have to decide whether the interested party is really into us or trying to get into our wallets.

2) The partier: The author refers to these men as those of us who think we are too flashy or sexy to remain with one guy. These are the guys that say, “I’m just here for entertainment.” Personally, I don’t know how true I believe those statements to be. I suppose I could understand, but I definitely get the sense that many of these guys are just saying that so as a defense mechanism, especially if they strike out. I do think that at some point, these guys will notice that true friends will become fewer as they get older…never mind being the 50-year-old at the club with a bunch of 30-year-olds (or younger!)

3) The shy guy: I think many of us are not so much “shy” as we are green, or “ladies in waiting.” What I mean by that is many of us spend our lives being different and attempting to conform to a world that doesn’t seem as supportive of us as they should be. We are conditioned to believe that we are less than, and for that reason, coming of age can be a very rocky period. In our proverbial emergence from the cocoon, we usually put a very similar practice into our dating lives. We want men to approach us for two reasons: a) We’re used to being rejected, and certainly are not going to put ourselves in an environment so that it may happen again (with the initial low self-esteem stemming from childhood experiences). …and b) we are used to seeing the chivalrous nature of Prince Charming as he sweeps an unsuspecting damsel out of her distress, and have longed for the day when someone will come and rescue us. Shy guys should engage in more interactive activities that stem from previous interests. Team sports or anything on Meetup come to mind as avenues for finding people to befriend.

4) The picky guy: According to the author, this type of guy is the one who is a serial first-dater. He has yet to meet anyone with whom he feel attracts him in all of the ways he feels necessary: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, sexually, etc. I feel like I know a lot of men like this. However, I think the issue is not in finding “perfection,” as the author states, per se. I think the issue is more in compatibility. Some people are in tune with themselves and they know what they like or are willing to tolerate. Some of these items might seem trivial, but they are nonetheless important to the individual suitor. I do think there is a large bit of truth to the saying “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” However, I also believe in redemption, and second chances. Gay men do often appear to be quick to cut someone off over something apparently minor. I think giving someone three dates to give you a more well-rounded opinion might lead to a more informed decision.

5) The miscellaneous guy: I assume for brevity’s sake, the author just lumps the other small percentages of men who don’t comfortably fit in any one category above together.

I would have to say that in my professional opinion, I believe the above types are very much many of the guys I have met, or know, or believe I will someday work with at Kings ‘N’ Queens. Making time to date, engaging conversation and giving people a chance are three excellent ways to ensure that even if you do stay single, you can honestly say you gave it your best shot!

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How many of these men do you know? Which one are you? Why do you think these men exist, and what do you think they should do? I still believe that many of our initial problems in getting together have to do with our inability to Stop To Love. Here’s Luther:

Be the Change You Want to See!!

It is officially the last day of the first year of the new decade. As we pause to reflect on the events of the past twelve months and begin to focus on the hope for the new year and all the joy it is set to bring, let us make a small plan to ensure that 2011 will become the very best year of our lives… so far!

I wanted to make a post about NYE resolutions, but didn’t want it to be campy. I didn’t want to tell you about how to keep them. I mean, I see NYE resolutions like the In case you missed it… at the end of The Dr. Oz Show. They are just things to try to do to make your life less stressful, more meaningful, and longer. So, I thought I would do something relevant: a top 11 list (in honor of 2011, of course) of things that we can all do to help lighten the loads on ourselves. I would’ve done a Top 10 list, but like another blog I love says: “Top 10 lists are for cowards!”

Off the top, I want you to take inventory of your life. Your family, your friends, your job, your money, your relationships. I’m sure you will see that one (or more) of those areas are lacking in your life. If you are honest with yourself, you might agree that you are (in)directly responsible for that which is stifling your happiness. So, in 2011:

1) Don’t settle for less than you know you deserve. With most improvements, the only one who can make them a reality is you. If you want better relationships with your loved ones (suitors, friends, and family), you have to be the one to initiate that change. If something sucks in your life, get rid of it! Please do your best to cultivate the flower as best you can, but recognize a dud when you see one!  …and what do we do with duds? Flush ‘em! Right along with the Christmas goose, I invite you to do a big number two!

2) Take a Christmas dump! While initially gross, I recently read that according to some psychologists, when something is stressing you out, you should write it (or that person’s name) on a sheet of paper and flush it down the toilet. The theory is that much like a big number two when the food that pains you heavily stuns you, expelling and releasing the past into the land of the forgotten can bring peace and relaxation. My suggestion for all of us within the month of January is to review your phone and your BGC and your Facebook, and eliminate those whom you haven’t spoken to in two years, can’t identify from name alone, or can’t name from photo alone. Send them the way of the Tidy Bowl man! Those deletions should put you in a state of serenity, and ultimately make things easier for you to:

3) Make time for love. When I first met one of my dearest friends, we were having a conversation about our singlehood, and the avenues we have tried to meet someone. He asked me rhetorically where all the single, attractive, employed, young, Black men (like us) were. I told him I believed that they were at work. He laughed, before I explained: “How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been working all day, ready to go home, and your boss comes to you and asks you if you can stay late. Then, you THINK (you don’t say), ‘Well, it’s not like I got a man at home.’ So, you stay…” My friend then politely asked me to stop reading him. I told him that I was simply stating that too many of us try to take our minds off our loneliness by working overtime, only to come home to an empty house and a cold bed where we can hear the silence. Make an attempt to use more of your free time to date! Breakfast at Waffle House, an afternoon movie at Atlantic Station, or dinner and the Falcons at Hobnob are all great ways to spend all that money you have saved up shutting yourself off from the world by working so much! Until you can make these dates happen, however, you may want to:

4) Find a dating partner (or two). For the record, I am not talking about people to whom you are attempting to become romantically linked. I am referring to two or three people within your circle of friends with whom you could double or triple date. Group dates tend to be more relaxed, and your friends can ask your date questions you might not think of. Afterwards, your friend might be able to help you better analyze a situation on the date that you are still mulling over. While you may not want to exclusively use group dates, they may work for initial dates to help your suitor get a fuller picture of who you are by how you are with your friend. Once you decide whom these dating partners will be (I suggest a minimum arsenal of three), you may decide that you need to:

5) Take up a hobby. Initially, it is to strengthen the bond you have with your friend, but it may also serve as a topic to draw from for conversation! Photography, cooking, acting, fitness, archery, or anything that makes you a more well-rounded individual. So, with your new skills intact, now it’s find to hit the sites and find someone to tell about your new hobby!  You can start that new journey by attempting to:

6) Write a real profile. All I really mean by that is to be honest with yourself, and others, about who you are, and what you want. Start with your numbers: age, height, and weight. It’s alright to stretch the truth…slightly, but remember that a picture is worth a thousand words. So you should add a picture…of your face, and not your ashy parts. I promise I will discuss this again at some point, but suffice to say: we are all anatomically correct. There is generally no need to feel compelled to prove it. Aside from the photo is the text, and some of us could serious benefit from 15 minutes of reflection. You have approximately 500 characters to tell us why we should want to date (or relate to) you…as opposed to the plethora of other no-name men on this site. Start with something interesting about you, but don’t write a composition that makes you look dumb, desperate or disconnected. Many men are too quick to use buzzwords like “masculine, educated or attractive.” Since nobody else is you, I implore you to:

7) Define your definition. Could you be more specific? If you asked 10 men what one thing makes a man feminine, you’d get 20 different answers. So, when you say “masculine,” does that mean “quiet,” “athletic,” “mean,” or some combination thereof? Does “educated” mean “a Masters?” What about “attractive?” When you describe yourself as “cool” and “down-to-earth,” how do you know? Then, once you’ve gotten a bit closer to your word limit:

8) Stop waiting on other people to hit you up. It is a social network, after all…in one form or another. So, be social! Click on other people’s profiles, and see what they have to say. Maybe those pictures are indeed all they have to say, and in turn, might be all they are good for! We can’t all be philosophically deep. Some of us are just empty vessels, waiting for passers-by to deliver whatever they care enough to deposit, but I digress… Completing profiles enables other men to have something to say when they approach you. You will see how remarkable this concept is once you give it a try, but that’s also why it is important to put something few other people might have in their profiles! After a while, you will begin to enjoy the benefits of having become more conversational online, but be careful of roadblocks (one-word answers). When you encounter a roadblock, remember:

9) Don’t chase! Hopefully, you’ll remember my post from a couple of months ago about this. If you don’t, here it is. I know some of you enjoy the pursuit, and that’s great, but don’t forget that some returns aren’t worth the investment! That will keep you from overloading your phone or the friend list of your local social networking site with random aliases again (which should keep you from having to repeat item 2 next year!). If you insist on it, however, maybe you should:

10) Develop a filing system for your phone. The symbols and other denotations in your Android, Blackberry, or iPhone are there for your assistance, you know. It can be very confusing to remember which of the 7 “Mikes” in your phone is your sister’s boyfriend, your barber, that guy you met at the bar the other night, or your roommate. Don’t send that naughty picture to the wrong one! I encourage you to learn someone’s last name, attach pictures to the contact in your phone, or find another way to denote them. Some phones will allow to add work information. So, in that space try “(site)/(screenname).” That’s gotten me out of a jam a couple of times before when I couldn’t remember who “Jay” was…but we’re not talking about me.

I know I said I wouldn’t do anything on how to keep NYE resolutions, and I promise I won’t stay long, but I can guarantee you that the answer is simple. In the end, we all should learn to:

11) Develop self-control. I know it is monumentally easier said than done, but still very necessary for us. So many of us can’t resist: sleeping in/eating out instead of exercising, purchasing that second item for equal/lesser value, or sleeping with that guy on the first meeting. Just keep this in mind for 2011:

“Impulses lead to regrets.”

I wrote this list to help some of the backsliders to stay focused. I promise I understand how difficult this rat race can be sometimes, but much like those sad travesties of women on Maury who wind up staying with men who have lied to them to various degrees, I think some of us don’t let guys go once their time with us is over. It’s like Maya Angelou stated:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

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Appropriately, in less than 24 hours, we will all be welcomed (in one form or another) to 2011, and it is my fervent hope that we start it off as best as we can. Try to be more cautious of the people that you surround yourself with, and begin to remove those that seem less than trustworthy from your presence. As Susan Boyle will ask us in the “official” song of the New Year, Auld Lang Syne:

“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to light?”

Yes, they should!

The Best Part of the Chase…

I know I haven’t written anything in quite some time, even after I said that would make an effort to do better. Meanwhile, I figured I should write my readers to let them know that I will be updating further as I go along because I, too, am becoming very reacquainted with the frustration that initially inspired me to start this blog and the journey to change our mindsets and stigmas and lives through KNQ.

Very recently, I was exchanging emails with a young man, who I will hypothesize, has very little experience interacting with other men online. There was initial email exchange, which progressed into text messaging, at which point he explicitly expressed his apprehension in meeting. He was taking all of the “textbook” precautions to ensure his safety: i.e. wanting to meet during the day, in a public place, etc.

I applauded his efforts, but was also taken back a bit by his casual attitude. He seems very flippant about keeping his word that we would eventually meet as his responses to my texts got more and more spaced. Ultimately, we decided not to meet because I grew impatient feeling as though he thought of me as some sort of pedophile, and I suppose he was just timid and out of his element.

Meeting men offline is no strange thing to me. That has always been my preferred form of contact anyway, especially since I’m always on my computer, working on business plans, watching TV shows I missed earlier, researching other things of even menial interest, or just playing The Sims. I suppose as experience chatting online grew, so did my level of comfort with making a more personal connection with the men with whom I conversed.

Perhaps I did move a little fast in trying to meet this recent acquaintance, but I would like to point out that the plan was indeed dinner (my treat). In any event, I would like to offer this little piece of advice, that I somehow forgot:

Don’t waste your time chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught.

Here’s Fantasia with that same message in song: “If you don’t want me, then don’t talk to me… go ahead and Free Yourself!”

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Finding Myself Through Losing Myself

I know it’s been some time since I have written, and I know that I was supposed to have written something on the first, but you may be a little surprised by what has been occupying my time.

Last summer, I began a…shall we say, “distant” relationship with a suitor. Shawn was very handsome, about 30 years of age, with a nice disposition, and was very comfortable with my slight and reserved femininity. I thought we were getting along fairly well, and despite the fact that although he had spent the night with me numerous time, we never did anything. Seriously…when I tell you I didn’t get so much as a hi-five from this boy… (sigh). In any event, we dated for a few months before he completely went AWOL on me. I mean, it’s a good thing I don’t have abandonment issues, or else I’d need to be on somebody’s couch for hours of my time, not to mention the hundreds of dollars I’d be paying them for the privilege!

So, I had kinda moved on, until he finally hit me up towards the beginning of this summer. I decided to give him another chance because I really liked him. Besides, nobody else viable was occupying my time, …or asking for the opportunity! This time around, he invited me to his place, and we had this long drawn out discussion about what happened, and his feelings, and what led to a complete unspoken withdrawal. Wine was involved, but despite a visit that lasted until 6:00AM, again…nothing happened. It was just as it had always been…

After a while of trying to reconnect, I began wondering what was stopping us from making anything official. I wasn’t trying to pick out bridal tuxes, but at the same time, I was ready to devote more and more time to him to foster something, and it didn’t seem like those efforts were being matched, in my humble opinion. :-) I had asked him about that, and he responded by telling me that we should be taking things slowly and not rush into anything. I also was feeling like there was no compromise…certainly with regard to issues that are very black-and-white. For example, as far as the labels…either we have them, or we don’t. (boyfriends, potentials, suitors, etc.) Either we are “just friends,” or we’re “something more.” I just wanted to know what exactly was going on in his head, and his lack of explanation made things very difficult.

In the most recent weeks, discussions about a broken car, a new house that he had just bought, and a new job transition, in addition to his relatively recent 30th birthday, led me to believe that I was the final piece of that puzzle. Yet, somehow I sensed that he felt that the picture might be just as satisfying, sans the final piece.

Quick sidebar: I read a very interesting article about “emerging adulthood” as a new stage of life, similar to the recognition and adoption of “adolescence” in the 1970’s. The article discussed how a large majority of 20yos feel like they aren’t quite “adults” by the same sense in which they regard their parents. The author goes on to explain that what makes us 20yos cross that threshold is the accomplishment of five “milestones” which were:

• Completing school
• Leaving home
• Becoming financially independent
• Getting married
• Having children

The author makes the point that these days, more and more people are using their 20’s to make decisions regarding these five items, and certainly they become more frantic in their need for completion (in one form or another), and the accompanying security as they reach the age of 30.

In my mind, I felt that the only reason he was trying to get me to be a part of his life was because he had turned 30, and much to his chagrin, I was the best of what he had found…although I wasn’t what he ultimately wanted. So, in essence, he was settling. …and I’m nobody’s silver medal!!

That revelation helped me to better deal with the demise of this relationship. I think he could be a really nice guy for someone else. With all of the discussions that I had had with him, I just felt stifled in my growth with him because I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells with him. I was scared to ask him for what I wanted after a while for fear of being made to feel like I was rushing him into something he wasn’t sure about.

Maybe I will someday delve into more of the specifics when I am trying to make other points regarding relationships, but I just wanted my readers to know where I’ve been, and that the dream is NOT dead! KNQ is something I could see myself working on tirelessly until it comes to complete fruition. I want to find someone for ALL of us. We ALL deserve to be happy! Even Shawn…

Finally, I would like to leave you with a song that helped me get past the hurt I felt when I realized Shawn would not be someone I might someday marry… Here is Karyn White (Yes, I took it back to 1986…what of it?) echoing my sentiments about men like Shawn, which are that I’d Rather Be Alone. Listen…

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You’re Out of Order!!

A few days ago, I met a guy online [We’ll call him “Rob”], and things were fine initially, as they usually are. We’re chatting. I find out that he is a front desk attendant at a hotel. He seemed to be a really nice guy. He’s 27, and fit my formula well: “tall, thin, and light-skin[ned]!!”

This morning, I got up and started talking to him online again. He had been really excited to get to know me since the first message he sent me. Conversation resumes, and he suggests that we go to lunch. I was completely fine with the idea. Besides, it’s just lunch, right? So, I start to ask him a few more relative questions like where he lives and what he would like to eat. He tells me he lives about one street over, and for lunch, he can eat anything. …but right before I suggested a place, he tells me that he has something to ask me. I agree, having no reason to object. Then, he asked me…

“Are you a top or bottom?”

My ears almost bled from the screeching of the tires. Really?! Did you just ask me that?

For those of you who think I’m making a big deal of nothing, I’ll try to analogize it with the example of asking the salary when you are on the first job interview. While this may need to be “need to know” information, there is a progression to these types of “sensitive” topics. Similar to the employer not hiring because they feel you are only after the money (not the professional development), a date may think you are only after sex (not the possible plutonic or romantic developments). In short, it’s a complete turn-off (for more people than you think).

I gave a very evasive answer, which he misread anyway. After I helped him understand the ambiguity of my answer, I stopped responding so enthusiastically, until the conversation itself died entirely.

Now, there is a basic principle here that I am trying to illustrate regarding a very debatable concept. The salary analogy should suffice, but I am trying to relate this to us, dating, and more importantly, KNQ. In any relationship, there are certainly things that you may find it “essential” to know about your prospective boyfriend before you go purchasing real estate together. However, as you can see by the clock in this post, if the order is transposed, you make things confusing for everyone.

In a related story, in my original business model for Kings ‘N’ Queens, I was talking with two of my co-workers back when I worked for a tuxedo shop. Now, originally, when I told them of the idea of the speed dating and the subsequent consultations for my clients. They asked me about the setup of the speed dating, given that our straight counterparts don’t have to wonder who sits on which side of the table. One was a strict top; the other was a bottom. They were both very adamant about ensuring that the men seated across from them were strict bottoms and tops, respectively. My main counter argument was this example: “How many times have you seen ‘I’m a top, but I’ll bottom for the right person…’ on a profile?” So, in a situation like a KNQ Quick Draw (Speed Date), designed to find you that “right person,” why be restricted to one side of the table?

My original solution to this conundrum was to design two types of Quick Draws…one for the men whose positions are “fixed,” and the other for those whose positions are more “variable.” However, this caused quite a stir from person-to-person when I asked about this idea. It signified that KNQ would be responsible for asking that information, and gave an underlying current of being perceived as some sort of hookup venue. Never mind all of the men who don’t know yet, don’t participate in penetrative sex, or even (wait for it)… those who are looking for MORE! While I think it’s insane to pay fifty bucks just to come and try to pick up some boy-toy for the weekend, I know people have gone to much greater lengths. As you can see, this advice is something even I need to keep in mind.

For those of you who claim to be looking for more, (and consequently want other men to believe that), remember: You should not ask any questions about sex until it’s highly likely that sex is the next step. Show a little restraint! Besides, (with minimal effort and within a slight margin of error), usually we can tell just by the feeling who would end up where, right? It wouldn’t take too much to at least wait until after the first date. (My own personal rule is between dates 3 – 5, depending on vibe, but that’s for me and MY men… you should find your own rhythm! :) )

My point is this: There’s a time and a place for everything, and frankly:

Dinner is neither to be discussing “dessert.”

I know it can be difficult because it can be a bit of a turn off sometimes when you incorrectly guess another’s guy position…but maybe Missy, Beyoncé, Free, and MC Lyte can keep you on the track to love by Fighting Temptation…

Make a List; Check It Twice!! Know Who’s Naughty, Learn Who’s Nice!!

It’s Christmas night, and I am sitting here, finding myself making plans to spend tomorrow with my friends using the overflow of gift cards I received for Christmas from various friends and family. The very thought of such an action excites me, but simultaneously disappoints me because of the nagging notion that perhaps my family doesn’t know me as well as I think they ought, considering the soon-to-be 26 years I have been with them. After all, I am a man, no matter how much of a lady I might want to be sometimes! Maybe some cologne, a shirt/tie set, some gym or dress socks, or even something else generically masculine seems like it might have been a better way to go, but instead, I can go play poker with my closest friends because I have a full house of gift cards. By no means am I ungrateful. I mean, at least they thought enough about me to get me something in the first place!

I started thinking about the fact that I didn’t worry about making a list. I thought maybe if I just showed up in my usually radiant glory, perhaps the greatest desires of my heart would be bestowed upon me by people whom I believe should know me better than the myriad of other people with whom I come into contact every day. It dawned on me that I probably could’ve gotten most of what I wanted had I simply made a list!!

Perhaps you might be wondering why God or Santa or the mailman of your choice has yet to deliver your husband to your doorstep. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps you haven’t been specific enough? Have you just been wishing, hoping and praying for “a man?” Well, Boris Kodjoe, Flavor Flav, and Osama bin Laden are all men. So, why wouldn’t you be happy with any of those? That’s why the bull's-eye is the CENTER of the target! Precision is key! Keep in mind that YOUR man is just that: YOURS! So, don’t be influenced by what other folks claim should be on your list. If you like a femme guy, say it. If you like them fat, old, lanky, short, or with glasses… don’t be afraid to claim that, either. That’s YOUR man. You will have to live with him; make sure it’s what YOU want!

The same concept is true for furniture or TV shows or music or food. Why should this practice be any different for finding a husband? It’s your money, time, and energy. So, make sure it counts for something! Let specificity be your guide. Take 10 minutes and think. With all of the men that you are attracted to, which physical/character traits do you notice tend to make noticeable and recurring appearances? This is the time to be honest with yourself. It’s also fine if you develop a formula or recipe for “the perfect man,” but like any recipe, don’t be afraid to dabble in deviation. Study how some combinations work on your taste buds. Experiment with different traits, and see if maybe you can at least begin to cross things OFF the list instead. You might see that some men fit you better for reasons you may not have readily seen before!

Naturally, there may be lots of varying options regarding this, but the fact of the matter is:

The first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want.

So, to close this year and to open 2010, make a list, and check it twice! Decide right now, on how you want YOUR man to look, to sound, and to be. Write it down, and make a promise to yourself that you will at least develop a set of criteria from which to start working to develop meaningful bonds with viable men. I hope you will remember and respect the differences between preferences and requirements, and if you don’t know how, I’ll discuss that in another post!

Meanwhile, if you are having trouble coming up with characteristics, but just know that you are indeed looking for a man, lighten up your holiday with Miss Anita Baker as she sings of her Christmas Fantasy!