One Is the Loneliest Number

I realize I haven’t posted any items in a bit. Things in my personal life had been a bit hectic, but in the last few months, there have been some turn arounds, including a new job, a new place, and even a new car! So, thingas have been looking up, and just recently, I was reminded of why I was doing all of this other stuff in the first place. I have to be more consistent about this company. I do feel like I had temporarily lost my fire for it…but I’m back at it again!

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Today’s topic is just kind of something I have noticed lately in a lot of the Black, gay Facebook groups that I see everyday on my newsfeed/timeline. A lot of these groups claim to be relationship-oriented, but they often contain the same prototype:

• Same members as many other groups
• Threads seemingly completely unrelated to the group type as a whole
• Selfies of members requesting acceptance

It’s the last item that inspired this post. So many of these guys (who for the record are phyne…) seem to think that a perfectly-filtered selfie is going to be their ticket to the altar, and while many other members complain about this practice, no admins seem to care enough to patrol it. That got me to thinking about other things that I notice guys do that are nonsensical, illogical, immature, and not to mention inconsistent when it comes to their never-ending quest to find a mate. So I made a list! Here are the five basic reasons you (and I’m sure a few of your friends) are still on the market…

1. You are using the wrong bait.

Imagine a gay dating site where you HAD to have a nice face picture on your profile for it to be accepted and available for view by other members. …exactly. Selfies containing sphincter are not how you attract a husband.

Remedy: Either practice with your front-facing camera, or get a good friend to help you take a nice, clear, well-lit photo of your face. It’s not a mugshot, but men are visual, and the great majority of us would like to know who is vying for our attention.

2. You don’t follow through.

Through sporadic chats, either on the actual sites, or once you have graduated to texting, no one makes any plans. Even if you attempt it, it’s a flimsy one at that. You have to remember that it is highly likely that you are not the only guy competing (and you ARE competing) for his attention. So unless you set it in stone, you leave his schedule open for other suitors. You need to start to “hard schedule” plans. Say “Next Friday, at 7.” Don’t say “Next weekend sometime. Keep me posted.” That’s how the more immediately attractive guy gets in.

Remedy: Learn to make a plan. Agree on a time, place, and activity. Then, SHOW UP! No one likes to have their time wasted, but it’s amazing the number of guys who don’t appear to understand just how modern technology has made up-to-the-minute updates exponentially more possible.

3. You are boring.

This one is a touchy one, and I am certainly not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I know how true this is firsthand. When I say “boring,” I generally mean that you are either highly routine, or are busy doing nothing. You don’t read and/or watch TV. In most cases, you are simply one-dimensional. So, whether you are a queen, a thug, a nerd, or a professional, you never leave your comfort zone…or you make it terribly obvious when you do.

Remedy: Try to be more well-rounded. Go places you wouldn’t go when your friends want to go so you are at least familiar. Don’t condescend too much in any one direction. Visit museums, aquariums, libraries, AND amusement parks, bowling alleys, skating rinks, and clubs. You should be able to watch both Wendy Williams AND Stephen Colbert. Be aware without being obsessed. Conversation is strenuous, almost impossible, with anyone who has such a limited (stifled?) outlook. Don’t be that guy.

4. You’re not at peace with who you are.

You’re not realistic about what a good match looks like. Pictures are constantly posted and referenced with models with bulging muscles, sinewy skin and piercing eyes…but again, they are men, and they are visually attracted to (usually) like-appearing individuals.

I often get the sense that guys chase what they think other people think they should have. You don’t date enough men to know what you like, tolerate, or try. Sexual things are easy differences, but if you know you like something that others may not, don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to seek it out even. In the end, you are looking for a man for YOU…not your buddy…

Remedy: Take a bit of time to develop your “type.” Just think about what preferences you have. Develop your own interests, outside of gayness. There is more to you than who you sleep with.

5. You’re rushing.

It’s hard to expect a starving man to politely cook and cut a steak and resist the urge to just tear into it like a ferocious beast of burden. An analogy exists there…

Life is not a sitcom or a rom-com. You can’t expect it to work out in 3 hours…if it even works out at all.

Remedy: Date. Stay in contact. Contact him at the beginning of the week to make plans for the coming weekend. Remember to hard schedule the date, and in the meantime, stay interesting so you won’t be boring when you meet up! After all, if a job won’t give you a promotion until after 12 months, is it not also similarly logical to wait a feasible amount of time before you promote a suitor to a boyfriend?

…and this is just the basic stuff! So many guys complain about the things that other men do, but won’t talk about the things that they themselves don’t/won’t do. These five items above account for more than half the men not in relationships (whom desire them). You want to stop sabotaging your “pre-lationships?” Take an honest look at The Man in the Mirror…

Say It Like You Mean It!

If you haven’t heard it yet, let me be the first to welcome you to the next year of triumph for you and us here at Kings ‘N’ Queens! The season of change inspires both introspection and analysis of one’s place in life: where they are, where they want to be, where they want to go, and perhaps most importantly, how they will get there.

As the holidays approach, we notice many of our more favorite television shows preparing to go on vacation until after the new year. One of my favorite shows is The Wendy Williams Show. I love her free spirit and her forthcoming nature. Her theme song (written especially for her) encourages her, and her viewers, to tell (and deal with) the unabashed truth! In light of the new year, the theme for this year will be COMMUNICATION IN TRUTH. To get you started, here are three types of people you should start being more honest with:

1. Romantic Interests – This could go for either current boyfriends or across-the-room crushes at the club. Sometimes I think too many of us are afraid to show such a vulnerability to strangers, acquaintances, and even someone we’ve shared a house or bed with for the better part of year. I encourage you to be more forthcoming with your feelings. Challenge yourself to make sure that whenever you go to a club (online or offline) that you will make a diligent effort to strike up an engaging conversation with AT LEAST THREE people. This practice will help you make a better catch for someone else when something does happen; trust me! For those of you in relationships, try being more upfront with your boo (as the kids say) about issues in your lives. You’d be surprised how much freer you’ll feel as a result of simply sharing.
2. Friends – What’s the point of having friends if you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t with them the whole time? Friends are supposed to be the one set of people on Earth with whom you can revel in the unabashed truth, free to judge, support, and console each other when need be. Be careful of whom you allow to attain such an esteemed title. Please remember that “a friend (when YOU are) in need is a friend indeed.” Some people have trouble with that adage…
3. Yourself – This one is probably the most important of the entire list, but I ranked it at the bottom because it regards the most to say. So many of us are lying to ourselves, trying to convince others to see the person we want to be, as opposed to whom we really are. Let 2014 be a year of true contemplation, analysis and reconstruction. Make a plan and decide what you are going to do (measurable steps) in order to achieve it. Losing weight, saving money, and going back to school are three of the most common goals in the new year…but try not to fall off before March!

This new journey to truth should assist you in attaining many of your goals, but it is also HIGHLY important to remember the importance of tact when giving the truth to anyone. Tact takes a while to develop, but the practice is so beneficial. Increasing your vocabulary is a great way to learn how to more precisely describe your situation or explain your feelings when interacting with others. Remember that it is all about discovering obstacles, analyzing effects, and developing solutions in all parts of your life. We’re help to help you (and your friends) get where you want to be, especially with regard to your romantic situation!

Question: What types of goals do you think men could set to get where they would like to be romantically? What will you change about yourself and your approach to dating in 2014?

Deconstructed Reconstruction

I know it has been such a long while since I have posted anything, and I also said I would do better, but I’ve had a lot of things going on personally, on top of a couple of new things going on for Kings ‘N’ Queens. Some of those things include some deconstructed events designed to build a customer base before trying to engage in the full scale speed dating events that I someday hope to have. I figure I might try to explain them here, but for right now, I have to get a little bit of a surveying done. So I am going to check that out, and I’d like for my readers to all be on the lookout for that. I just felt the need to explain a few of the things that a couple of folks have asked me about KNQ and what it is,…and what it’s not.

1. KNQ is designed for men who are looking for a permanent arrangement.
   Kings ‘N’ Queens was designed by someone who understands the sheer difficulty in trying to find one person to be with for longer than a few months. The great majority of other avenues that we currently have to find companionship are all jumbled together. They don’t strive to be very selective in how they function or market themselves, especially to a crowd of folks who are mostly very fixed in what they are looking for (friendship, romance, or sex). So we all find ourselves constantly trying any avenue available to find whatever it is we want because nothing is clearly marked…right? Well, Kings ‘N’ Queens is clearly marked. That said, please remember that--
2. KNQ is designed for YOU!
   We want to make every effort to help you find the man of your dreams. Therefore, it is imperative that you be honest and truthful about who you actually are, not who you think other people want you to be. Be honest about your weight, your height, your age, your income, your hobbies, and even your vices! Our mission is to find you someone who will love you for you as you are! We face enough exclusion in our daily lives, from the people we work and live near, some of whom we refer to be inaccurate titles like “friends” and “family.” In our quest to find companionship, and without the added advantage of love connections through our already established contacts, many of us turn to the more popular online websites that I’m sure we could call name five of the top ten! Some of us have spent years on these sites, and still have an empty couch to show for it! However, as much as we want you to use our service, it is also equally as important that you remember that--
3. KNQ will cost money.
   We are a company like any other. Our goal is to make money. However, we have a complete and total psychology illustrated by the desire to construct and present a company like this one. KNQ is a vessel through which we believe very true and necessary social change would be necessary to advance our belief that we are just as much citizens as anyone else in this country. To that end, KNQ has designed several dating events to assist you in meeting quality men in quality environments. However, attendance at such events will require that you shell out a few dollars in pursuit for something that will benefit your life, same as you would for food, gas, or clothing. Please trust that there is more going on here than meets the eye, including much of the initial sorting work, which is the cause of despondence from so many eligible bachelors. We guarantee you that the money is worth it. Please take advantage of any discounts we may offer, but don’t be afraid to pay to have the field narrowed by a great deal!

It’s a renewed effort around these parts to try to start making some matches as some things are currently in the works, for major productions that could really help out our efforts around here. We truly believe that what we have going on here will be highly beneficial for all parties involved, but we can’t do it without you!

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We want nothing more than to start registering you guys, planning some events, and making some matches! It’s a long road ahead of us, but what good is the perfect company without clients. Listen to Patti LaBelle as we invite you all through her to Come As You Are.

Too Pretty For Words

This weekend was one like I have not had in a long time. After attending a birthday party for a co-worker of my best friend, where we entertained by both a magician and a psychic, our best friends requested that we join them at this club downtown. I had not been to the club since last summer, when we all went out to see a performance by a previous winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race. We had a lot of fun, but at the same time, I was quickly and easily reacquainted with the reasons why I don’t attend the festivities in the first place.

I will do my best not to discuss the general archetypes of the men I see in almost any club I’ve ever visited, but I will definitely say that very few of the men in there have faces that I would want next to mine in a wedding photo. There are a lot of attractive men, but I still get the sense that too many of the guys there are trying too hard to be the same person. They all want to be seen as “masculine,” however they define that, “sexy,” dressed in clothing that despite its size is still one or two sizes too small, and “approachable,” never mind the sauntering and grumpy faces that float in the darkness of a drunken 2:00am stupor.

So my friend asks me about why I don’t go approach men while I’m in the club. I begin explaining the science behind the approach and all of the items one must consider. In many cases, if the man is attractive enough to make you attempt an approach, often his demeanor is overly confident or offensively disinterested. I am not sure what avenues you use to meet men, whether the clubs you attend are online or offline, but this was just a little reminder of the true (and often forgotten) reality about being in the club.

Much of the lack of confidence stems from our adolescence, a time in which we began to notice all of the attractive men in our lives. Certainly things got tougher once we heard about and discovered sex, and all of the physical ways through which we show someone romantic interest, even if only for a moment. We continue this trend into our adulthood, becoming more comfortable with the notion of being inevitably single and alone, often to the point of subconsciously sabotaging budding or blossoming relationships over rather minute issues. We grew accustomed to admiring from afar and the fear of public humiliation or embarrassment at the first sign of unreturned interest. Somehow that doesn’t change once we’re in the club…not that the environment lends itself to conversation and privacy, but that’s a separate blog post…

So here are three quick tips to remember while you’re in the club with your friends, if you would like to meet someone you find highly attractive:

1) Leave the pack: Be willing to venture away from your friends for just a couple of minutes. They are grown adults and I doubt they will wilt, cry, or starve from your absence. Besides, you’ll have plenty more to talk about on the car ride home if you divide and conquer.

2) Remember this ain’t high school: Whatever hierarchy you have created in your own head is just that—created in your own head. Just because something is in high supply, doesn’t mean that it’s also in high demand. So what if you stick out like a sore thumb? It makes you easier to find amongst the crowd of posers and perpetrators.

3) Learn to laugh at their stupidity: Every conversation you attempt to start with a fine dude won’t be a homerun. Many will act like they are indeed too good to be in the same club you’re in. Perhaps they are busy dangling on someone else’s hook. Meanwhile, just be willing to say hello, if it’s not even about trying to date them necessarily. If they scoff at you, you can secretly scoff at how easily they pass up a good opportunity!

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I am very aware that these tips are much easier said than done, but maybe one or two of them can really help you with being able to find a way to either become more approachable or to do more approaching. Right now, it just seems like everyone is thinking like Toni Braxton, and thinks everyone is “Looking At Me.”

A Year in Preview…

2012 was a very interesting year! We traded Whitney Houston for Honey Boo Boo, experienced a bit of Linsanity and we got a little more comfortable with Anderson Cooper…and although we’re still not sure whether Beyoncé was ever actually pregnant, we were very sure we wanted President Obama for another four years!

However, despite the list of states that are okay with us marrying each other going from six to nine (and the District of Columbia), not enough of us benefit from the changes because we still don’t have anyone with whom we can visit the Justice of the Peace! So in the newness of 2013, let’s make this year about finding the diamond in the rough…even though the color for 2013 is emerald, thus the cosmetic changes to the page. (See the precious metal difference there?) Here are a few things you can try to make new in 2013 to get you a little closer to those courthouse steps, while you wait for your state to allow you to be there!

1. New Semester – This is probably the base of many of our problems. Shortly after his first inauguration, President Barack Obama encouraged the masses to return to school in some form or another, whether it be to one-up your own degree, or obtain your first one, or maybe even a continuing education course. I couldn’t agree more. It’ll give you more to talk about, perhaps a new skill, and will definitely make you seem less one-dimensional.

2. New Living Situation – Not sure how many of you will agree with this one, but perhaps you should take a review of your current shelter, especially with regard to your financial dynamic. Do you act proud about living alone, but you can hear the silence? Do you live with others, but proclaim that everything the light touches is your kingdom? Don’t feel compelled to do what pop culture suggests regarding your situation. Living alone is great if you take full advantage, but what if you slip in the shower? Who’ll know? Who can you call? I don’t mean to scare you, but that’s certainly no reason to live like the The Sims, either…eight of you in a 2BR apartment with no furniture or food…

3. New Occupation – There has been much talk since for the last few years about the job shortage. Many people complain about the loss of manufacturing jobs in the US, and suggest that those jobs should return from their outsourced shores to our disenfranchised citizens. Realistically, however, I have always said that the disconnect is between compulsory (and higher) education, and the jobs companies currently offer. For now, there seems to be a monumental push for financing, construction, and informational technology jobs.

4. New BMI – January is the worst month for this type of discussion, but with the winter months keeping you inside, maybe now would be the opportune time to watch your figure so that others will watch your figure once the weather warms up! I just say a new “body mass index” (for those of you that didn’t recognize the acronym…) might help things a little bit in your way. Losing 30, 50, or 100 lbs. might not be doable by summer, but changing your habits is. It’s fairly easy to start small: smaller portions, light exercise, and fewer processed foods are good ways to start the ball rolling.

5. New Attitude – While this one probably should’ve been higher up the list as one of the ones that can be changed instantly, most people cannot realistically be re-conditioned so quickly. I’m not talking about changing your attitude for the momentary date you are on (although that’s important). I’m talking about the myriad of us who may have spent what feels like the last couple of decades repelling our apparent inability to begin and stabilize a romantic relationship. People are quick to run to the notion that you receive what you present. I do believe that much of that can definitely be true when it comes to personal interactions, like job interviews, sales pitches, and dates. Have you reviewed what you are serving to others, while keeping in mind what others have a desire to partake?

This ought to be enough to get you started…don’t worry, there will be more to come, but no matter how many plans of action you decide to begin simultaneously, like Jordin Sparks says, you can only do it One Step at a Time.

Is Less Really More?

This was a very exciting and enlightening weekend! The day began as normal with one of my favorite shows on television today, The Wendy Williams Show. As usual, Wendy began Friday’s show with an array of hot topics from divorces and reality shows to Superstorm/Hurricane Sandy and even a little bit of politics. In recent weeks, she and her producers have decided to invite other C-/D-list celebrities to accompany Wendy on her show to discuss some of the more social types of topics, especially if they appear to be circumstantial or situational. This week was no different. One of the topics from this week’s “Hot Talk,” as it is known was the use of coupons on a first date.

As expected, the audience and the panel was very divided on such a taboo topic. Of course, no one wants to appear cheap, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to do a little more with for a little less. Other panelists offered suggestions of doing other things that didn’t cost as much money in the first place, like planning a picnic or walking around, or light coffee drinks, where money is not as necessary to get the full value or experience.

I may come back to this topic later, but I will say as an underemployed statistic of the American economy, it is very difficult to maintain the dating standards I have set for you all (and by extension, myself)! I went out with a guy on Friday to Ruby Tuesday, and I spent fifty bucks without even thinking about it. I paid because I asked him out; I think that’s the obligation that the asker makes through request. I could have asked him to pay some, or leave a tip, but I didn’t because I didn’t think that would have been very gentlemanly of me.

I think for a lot of people it’s that old adage that “You never get a second chance to make a first impression!” No one wants to be seen as a skinflint, but I also think in this economy, more people understand the need to save money, even if it is just a couple of dollars. I know my last date certainly made me reconsider finding other ways of holding onto my money without looking cheap.

My advice as a professional matchmaker would be to wait on the coupon for at least the third date…unless you can find a way to make it sound like a deal and not a coupon. For example, if you can get cheap tickets for a movie or a round of golf or a concert, maybe the other person won’t find that cheap because it is an expensive thing to do. However, using dollar-off coupons at your local fast food restaurant on a first date highly minimizes the chances for a second.

What do you think? Does cutting coupons also cut your chances for another date? Do you think a man who uses coupons is cheap? Do you use coupons?

When we tend to run on about these kinds of things, very often we can get caught up, and forget (as Jill Scott reminds us) how Blessed we are…

You Just Never Know…

This has definitely been an insane week! As I’m sure you have heard, one of the world’s finest songstresses died last Saturday night. The incomparable Whitney Houston left us for another world very suddenly, and dashed fans’ hope of the eventual comeback for which we had all hoped.

Days later, “Lori", a very close friend of mine discussed with me a suitor that has returned to her life within the last year. Some time ago, a guy that had been a longtime friend of hers decided to pursue her romantically. Lori reluctantly gave him an opportunity a little over a year ago, and he took that chance for granted, making mistakes and taking actions that severely ruined his chances of ever seeing her in such a romantic light again. This time around, however, my friend is debating whether or not to give him this second chance.

Add to that, Thursday’s episode of Braxton Family Values, in which Tamar Braxton has a health scare when her husband Vince discovers a pulmonary embolism (which in layman’s terms is a blood clot in the lung) that causes him severe difficulty breathing. I myself have endured four PEs on my poor lungs some time ago, and they were not fun! So, I can imagine what Vince went through…

All of these tragedies have really made many people question the choices that they make in their lives, especially when it comes to love. I make a strong effort to teach my clients about the importance of empathy when sifting through potential suitors. Some people are good folks, but their presentation is not always ideal. You know my feelings on preferences vs. requirements, but there does come a point where you have ultimately settled for something far less than what you originally desired.

Despite the issues that many of us face with items like this, a look at the story above might make one throw caution to the wind…especially if your life could all end so suddenly?

That reminds me of an episode of  The Golden Girls. When Sophia suffers a heart attack, Dorothy tells the other girls about a friend of hers who went to Paris and had watercress (because she didn’t want to gain weight), only to have a gargoyle statue from the restaurant fall on her head and kill her. She then asks rhetorically, “What’s the point of starving myself to thinness if I know that I could die tomorrow? I might as well eat the chocolate cake.” After discussing the absurdity of being consumed with the worry of arguably inevitable weight gain, Rose points out that “[they] might not die.” They then decide not to eat the cake…

I make the same question for our relationships. If you could die tomorrow, why not date the ugly guy, the old guy, the fat guy, the femme guy, the loser, or the idiot?? What makes you hang around waiting for the perfect guy when you have all of these good/great guys (even if it’s only one) waiting in the wings? Starving yourself to the point of loneliness seems silly to me. After you hear Whitney Houston, maybe your opinion might change a little bit once you know I’m Knockin’.

Out With the Old; In with the New

…as the expression goes! Happy New Year to one and all! I’m back for another year of riveting tales, groovy music, and mountaintop-worthy advice! I thought I might start out with a little quick discussion about recent events in my own life.

Back in mid-December, I took a journey to Dallas, Texas, to visit a longtime online friend for a first meeting. (Who does that anymore, right?) In any event, despite my inexperience with Dallas, and my friend (who we’ll call “Tommy”)’s reluctant family, I had a very nice time with a very quaint individual.

However, after my return to Atlanta, Tommy and I had a very interesting conversation in which a mistake from my past (that I neglected to mention to him while in Dallas) caused concern for the potential of our relationship. Tommy felt that I should have been more forthcoming with the information. I purposely omitted the item because I knew it had the potential to ruin an otherwise highly enjoyable experience. In any event, after our initial discussion, I decided that I need not be concerned with potential out-of-state suitors when there is no guarantee of any further contact between us.

That was the hot topic until approximately a week after I got home…

An old friend that I have known for over three years (who we’ll call “Victor”) called me to let me know he was en route to Atlanta from Michigan. He and I have had a very high volume of sexual tension between us over the years, and since NYE was days away, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity for a NYE kiss. Well, long story short, the kiss didn’t happen.

I asked Victor privately his reasons for why we had yet to begin a relationship, hookup, or even kiss… He listed his answers, and while I had replies for them, it completely dashed any hopes I had of ever actually being with Victor. The day before he left, Victor and I had another discussion about what exactly our relationship was, and what it had the potential to do…or maybe where it had the potential to go. I explained to him how I felt highly offended at some of the things to which he made reference in our previous conversation, and also how I have a laundry of things I think he could change because we don’t agree on a lot, but I look past it (or try to, anyway) because I like him.

As I saw his car drive off, heading back the depressing tenements from whence he came,  (coupled with my Dallas adventure), I was reminded that I am far too desirable by men to be virtually “begging” anyone to be with me! I’m too giving, empathetic, and highly intelligent to be with someone that I had to “convince” to date me, like I’m trying to sell a house on a fault line. …and you don’t have to settle, either! If he doesn’t want you, find someone who does…flaws and all.

I promise he is out there, but you’ll never find your prince wasting time kissing dead frogs…

It’s a new year, and hopefully, you’ll have enough dates (through KNQ or otherwise) in time to attend your wedding on 12-12-12! (You know it’s gonna be en vogue this year to do it!) So, like Toni says, redo your Wardrobe!!

Can I Get Ya Numbah?

That question is often asked in the trenches of a dark, seedy bar between two people more loaded than a pair of Las Vegas dice! It can be very flattering for a new guy to approach you and ask you for a way to contact you whenever you cross his mind. However, what if the “number” to which he refers is NOT telephonically correlated?? Time for everyone’s favorite subject: MATH!!

It can be a very nerve-wracking discussion of course, but in the interest of illustrating the many ways in which gays should stop trying to parallelize the practices, norms, and mores of our straight counterparts, perhaps gays not need to ask the question at all. Do you wonder about the number of men (and women, if applicable) that your current husband, boyfriend, beau, or hookup has “slept with?”

On Friday’s episode of Anderson, the new talk show for the famous (and sexy!) CNN reporter with the last name Cooper, Anna Faris (of Scary Movie fame) came on to promote her new movie, “What’s Your Number?” In this movie, Anna plays a woman who is led to believe that “the one” may have been one of her 20 exes. So, she goes on a quest to look all of them up in the hopes that the second time around will be the love she missed before. The movie came out yesterday.

During her interview on Anderson, Anna discussed the idea of asking your new friend about his sexual experiences. Of course, as expected, there was also a psychotherapist on hand to assist with the philosophy behind this and a few tangential issues. I wondered how many of us even think about that number, and what a certain number would say to us about our potential beau. Do we expect that the men we date have been with half the town simply by virtue of being male, or do we think a little more logically and take into consideration things like lifestyle, libido, and age?

I think gay men are only mindful to the past of our exes in the sense of their possible exposure to STDs, particularly HIV. In my experience, gay men are only concerned with catching the next major STD on the “cure list,” and given the current state of medicine with regard to the world eradication of HIV, people (but particularly gay men) seem to be less cautious* about dating or relating with “poz” men.

When I say cautious, I just mean that many people do not see HIV as the “death sentence” it used to be back when it was the virtually unsolvable puzzle during its discovery to the American public in the early 1980’s. Many of us are aware that the disease exists, and either know someone who has it (whether they even know it or not), has slept with someone who has at least been exposed to it, or we have it ourselves (whether we know it or not)!

That said, think about a few things, and answer these questions in the comments section:

• Would you ask your lover (someone you are or intend to sleep with) for their number? Do you think it’s a conversation worth having?
• How willing would you be to offer your number? Would you lie about the answer? High or low?
• Given our current state of affairs, including medical advances and social consensus, of what importance is a suitor’s number to you?
• Is 5 a lot? 20? 100? 500? Is there a “too many?” If so, what is that number based on?
• Is it better to have a high number or a low number?

The psychotherapist for the show, Dr. Heide Banks, remarked that the only thing that matter in a relationship is THAT relationship. What she means is that new boyfriends should not concern themselves or their new dates/suitors with regaling, reminiscing, or regretting ghosts of boyfriends past. Leave the past where it is. Learn the lessons, and move on with someone new. I tend to agree.

To conclude, I will just note that while I think knowing that number (either of yourself or your suitor) is important for a few reasons, I certainly don’t think that it is telling of the kind of person you are as an individual. I would be wlling to bet that if more of the guys that many of us have been with were at least as interested in monogamy and commitment as they claim to be, many of our numbers might be halved! What do you think? True or false?

Therefore, I think it only fitting that Salt ‘N’ Pepa have the last word on this issue…at least for now. After all, in the end, it’s None of Your Business!

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They’re Not Called WEAK-ends!

Hello, loyal readers! I apologize again for the lack of posts, but things have been looking up in my personal employment life recently. I have gotten five job offers, and while I can handle most of them simultaneously, once any of them ask me about promotions, I might have to make some decisions…but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, huh?

In any event, lately, I was recently in attendance at a birthday party. I knew the guest of honor through a few degrees; I barely knew his name. It was at some dive bar in Atlanta.  In any event, I put on a face as many of the patrons in the bar were not people with whom I might otherwise socialize. Usually, when I correctly hypothesize that this will be the case when I attend social gatherings like this, I wonder how many of these folks find dates.

The thought crossed my mind again last night, of course, and as such, I began to research how to approach any of these folks, if the spirit moved me… I did see one fellow in whom I might have been interested, but his attitude made me hesitate an approach. So, I thought about how other people end up talking at all in these situations where people don’t seem to be aware of how off-putting their scoffed faces, sighs, and rolled eyes can be to potential interests.

I found this article on Yahoo! that talks about how women should approach men. I wondered if the same items (could) ring true for the more introverted of us out there.

1. Be direct. I will agree almost wholeheartedly that the majority of gay men could benefit from this one. Many of us like to talk about “keepin’ it real,” but are usually unable to handle the unabashed truth, especially if it offends us, saddens us, or makes us take a REAL look at what we are (not) doing. If you are interested in a guy platonically or romantically, don’t let that intention become ambiguous. As our friend Wendy Williams has in her talk show theme song, “Say it like you mean it!”

2. Be indirect. The practice of asking your (hopefully pre-attached) friends to go scouting for ordered prospects does not seem to fare well in adult life, in my experience. However, I also understand how paralyzing the fear of rejection can be for some people. However, I will say that I know many a man who would rather appreciate an interested party confidently asserting himself and asking about the likelihood of a phone call or a date.

3. Come up with a plan. This paragraph was going to become a separate post previously, but I’ll touch slightly here. When you are attracted to someone, but before you approach, you should develop a plan, not a ruse. You don’t have to resort to trickery, but the idea of doing “something” “sometime” is not appealing to most people. If you express an interest to a guy about your desire to date him, and he doesn’t reject you, ask questions to help you refine your plan. Ask about his interests (food, movies, music) to help you both have a good time, and learn about each other in the process. Dinner, a show, and drinks IS an acceptable date.

4. Don’t come on too strong. It’s easy to lose the fish, even after you’ve got it on the hook. Be nice and your genuine self. People are generally pretty good at detecting lies, fear, or insecurity. Confidence is magic; arrogance is tragic.

5. Don’t over-plan. It doesn’t have to be a “meal fit for a king…or queen.” You should just be casual about the entire flow. It’s nice that he has agreed to spend hours of his life with you. So, be grateful, but don’t grovel. Ask him to a specific event. “Would you like to go to this show/movie?” “Wanna grab a bite sometime?” You can make other details by letting the date take its course at the time.

You know, they say when you have to give a speech or do any type of public speaking, you should start with a joke. Try that. I don’t have any jokes for you, but if the punch line works, you might be able to lead in with “I Love Your Smile!” Here’s Shanice…

Excuses, Excuses…

Yesterday, a fairly good friend of mine sent me this article, in which the author gives a top 5 list of the reasons that MEN who are reluctantly single remain that way. I must preface my opinions below by informing you that I am assuming that the author is discussing STRAIGHT men, but I also assume that most of these principles apply.

In short, the article explains five different prototypes of men who seem to remain single despite being otherwise irresistible. Let’s see how many of these men we know, shall we?

1) The workaholic: I believe I told you a story that alludes to this very idea. I still believe that a very large percentage of us put all of our energy into working because we believe it’s one of the few things that we seem to have direct control over, unlike our love lives. Unfortunately, though, this attitude will eventually lead us to the Coming to America conundrum in which we will have to decide whether the interested party is really into us or trying to get into our wallets.

2) The partier: The author refers to these men as those of us who think we are too flashy or sexy to remain with one guy. These are the guys that say, “I’m just here for entertainment.” Personally, I don’t know how true I believe those statements to be. I suppose I could understand, but I definitely get the sense that many of these guys are just saying that so as a defense mechanism, especially if they strike out. I do think that at some point, these guys will notice that true friends will become fewer as they get older…never mind being the 50-year-old at the club with a bunch of 30-year-olds (or younger!)

3) The shy guy: I think many of us are not so much “shy” as we are green, or “ladies in waiting.” What I mean by that is many of us spend our lives being different and attempting to conform to a world that doesn’t seem as supportive of us as they should be. We are conditioned to believe that we are less than, and for that reason, coming of age can be a very rocky period. In our proverbial emergence from the cocoon, we usually put a very similar practice into our dating lives. We want men to approach us for two reasons: a) We’re used to being rejected, and certainly are not going to put ourselves in an environment so that it may happen again (with the initial low self-esteem stemming from childhood experiences). …and b) we are used to seeing the chivalrous nature of Prince Charming as he sweeps an unsuspecting damsel out of her distress, and have longed for the day when someone will come and rescue us. Shy guys should engage in more interactive activities that stem from previous interests. Team sports or anything on Meetup come to mind as avenues for finding people to befriend.

4) The picky guy: According to the author, this type of guy is the one who is a serial first-dater. He has yet to meet anyone with whom he feel attracts him in all of the ways he feels necessary: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, sexually, etc. I feel like I know a lot of men like this. However, I think the issue is not in finding “perfection,” as the author states, per se. I think the issue is more in compatibility. Some people are in tune with themselves and they know what they like or are willing to tolerate. Some of these items might seem trivial, but they are nonetheless important to the individual suitor. I do think there is a large bit of truth to the saying “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” However, I also believe in redemption, and second chances. Gay men do often appear to be quick to cut someone off over something apparently minor. I think giving someone three dates to give you a more well-rounded opinion might lead to a more informed decision.

5) The miscellaneous guy: I assume for brevity’s sake, the author just lumps the other small percentages of men who don’t comfortably fit in any one category above together.

I would have to say that in my professional opinion, I believe the above types are very much many of the guys I have met, or know, or believe I will someday work with at Kings ‘N’ Queens. Making time to date, engaging conversation and giving people a chance are three excellent ways to ensure that even if you do stay single, you can honestly say you gave it your best shot!

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How many of these men do you know? Which one are you? Why do you think these men exist, and what do you think they should do? I still believe that many of our initial problems in getting together have to do with our inability to Stop To Love. Here’s Luther:

The Proverbial Man In the Mirror

A good Blogger friend of mine, Prince Toddy English, recently wrote a post on a video by local Atlanta poet, Yolo Akili.

(I have not watched the video, nor do I think I will. It just doesn’t sound like something I would be interested in…based on the reviews I have read)

Todd slightly discussed three points in his post. Initially, he directed viewers to Yolo’s video, including embedding it within the post (like all good bloggers should). Then, there was a discussion surrounding the idea of dating one’s self if you were not you. After a few jokes, a RuPaul quote, and a stifled self-reflection, Todd hypothesized that he would at least give himself a chance. [I’d give Todd a chance, too, but I digress…]

Finally, Todd went in on a point that he heard in the video that struck a nerve with him and a few other visitors to his site and Facebook page. Apparently, being “masculine” is the “in” thing now, to the point that its absence commonly stifles what would otherwise be a very fairy tale-like relationship. Todd asked his readers for their opinions on this notion. What is the importance of masculinity in a relationship between two men? Many people offered their opinions, and mine is below.

I am sure that as a matchmaker, I will have to have this discussion for I’m sure more than a decade before attitudes and mindsets change. I can certainly understand the idea that generally (and logically) most gay men are attracted to the masculinity of men. I will also say that as a man who is not always seen as the most “masculine,” (yet not quite “feminine”) it does seem to be a very arduous task to convince potential suitors that I am neither a thug, nor a diva.

Granted, there is a population of gay men who are self-defined divas. They are the stereotypical types that most of the rest of us strive to avoid. They can be gossipy, loud, overbearing, and in many cases, one-dimensional. I think that while there are some (possibly “few”) men who gravitate towards and purposely exclusively date the more effeminate men, too many of us are boxed in with a group whose culture is studied to be learned. We are not allowed to be our authentic selves whose interests and actions are independent of our sexuality.

In the end, like other subjective terms, men should stop holding potential suitors to a standard which they cannot define.

Todd ended on a note with which I would have to largely agree. Being a man is way more about being self-sufficient than about a prison record or a large piece. It’s about being a provider, a protector, and a professor (one who professes, not a teacher)…to quote Steve Harvey. Maybe Salt ‘N’ Pepa and En Vogue can help explain Whatta Man is…

Be the Change You Want to See!!

It is officially the last day of the first year of the new decade. As we pause to reflect on the events of the past twelve months and begin to focus on the hope for the new year and all the joy it is set to bring, let us make a small plan to ensure that 2011 will become the very best year of our lives… so far!

I wanted to make a post about NYE resolutions, but didn’t want it to be campy. I didn’t want to tell you about how to keep them. I mean, I see NYE resolutions like the In case you missed it… at the end of The Dr. Oz Show. They are just things to try to do to make your life less stressful, more meaningful, and longer. So, I thought I would do something relevant: a top 11 list (in honor of 2011, of course) of things that we can all do to help lighten the loads on ourselves. I would’ve done a Top 10 list, but like another blog I love says: “Top 10 lists are for cowards!”

Off the top, I want you to take inventory of your life. Your family, your friends, your job, your money, your relationships. I’m sure you will see that one (or more) of those areas are lacking in your life. If you are honest with yourself, you might agree that you are (in)directly responsible for that which is stifling your happiness. So, in 2011:

1) Don’t settle for less than you know you deserve. With most improvements, the only one who can make them a reality is you. If you want better relationships with your loved ones (suitors, friends, and family), you have to be the one to initiate that change. If something sucks in your life, get rid of it! Please do your best to cultivate the flower as best you can, but recognize a dud when you see one!  …and what do we do with duds? Flush ‘em! Right along with the Christmas goose, I invite you to do a big number two!

2) Take a Christmas dump! While initially gross, I recently read that according to some psychologists, when something is stressing you out, you should write it (or that person’s name) on a sheet of paper and flush it down the toilet. The theory is that much like a big number two when the food that pains you heavily stuns you, expelling and releasing the past into the land of the forgotten can bring peace and relaxation. My suggestion for all of us within the month of January is to review your phone and your BGC and your Facebook, and eliminate those whom you haven’t spoken to in two years, can’t identify from name alone, or can’t name from photo alone. Send them the way of the Tidy Bowl man! Those deletions should put you in a state of serenity, and ultimately make things easier for you to:

3) Make time for love. When I first met one of my dearest friends, we were having a conversation about our singlehood, and the avenues we have tried to meet someone. He asked me rhetorically where all the single, attractive, employed, young, Black men (like us) were. I told him I believed that they were at work. He laughed, before I explained: “How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been working all day, ready to go home, and your boss comes to you and asks you if you can stay late. Then, you THINK (you don’t say), ‘Well, it’s not like I got a man at home.’ So, you stay…” My friend then politely asked me to stop reading him. I told him that I was simply stating that too many of us try to take our minds off our loneliness by working overtime, only to come home to an empty house and a cold bed where we can hear the silence. Make an attempt to use more of your free time to date! Breakfast at Waffle House, an afternoon movie at Atlantic Station, or dinner and the Falcons at Hobnob are all great ways to spend all that money you have saved up shutting yourself off from the world by working so much! Until you can make these dates happen, however, you may want to:

4) Find a dating partner (or two). For the record, I am not talking about people to whom you are attempting to become romantically linked. I am referring to two or three people within your circle of friends with whom you could double or triple date. Group dates tend to be more relaxed, and your friends can ask your date questions you might not think of. Afterwards, your friend might be able to help you better analyze a situation on the date that you are still mulling over. While you may not want to exclusively use group dates, they may work for initial dates to help your suitor get a fuller picture of who you are by how you are with your friend. Once you decide whom these dating partners will be (I suggest a minimum arsenal of three), you may decide that you need to:

5) Take up a hobby. Initially, it is to strengthen the bond you have with your friend, but it may also serve as a topic to draw from for conversation! Photography, cooking, acting, fitness, archery, or anything that makes you a more well-rounded individual. So, with your new skills intact, now it’s find to hit the sites and find someone to tell about your new hobby!  You can start that new journey by attempting to:

6) Write a real profile. All I really mean by that is to be honest with yourself, and others, about who you are, and what you want. Start with your numbers: age, height, and weight. It’s alright to stretch the truth…slightly, but remember that a picture is worth a thousand words. So you should add a picture…of your face, and not your ashy parts. I promise I will discuss this again at some point, but suffice to say: we are all anatomically correct. There is generally no need to feel compelled to prove it. Aside from the photo is the text, and some of us could serious benefit from 15 minutes of reflection. You have approximately 500 characters to tell us why we should want to date (or relate to) you…as opposed to the plethora of other no-name men on this site. Start with something interesting about you, but don’t write a composition that makes you look dumb, desperate or disconnected. Many men are too quick to use buzzwords like “masculine, educated or attractive.” Since nobody else is you, I implore you to:

7) Define your definition. Could you be more specific? If you asked 10 men what one thing makes a man feminine, you’d get 20 different answers. So, when you say “masculine,” does that mean “quiet,” “athletic,” “mean,” or some combination thereof? Does “educated” mean “a Masters?” What about “attractive?” When you describe yourself as “cool” and “down-to-earth,” how do you know? Then, once you’ve gotten a bit closer to your word limit:

8) Stop waiting on other people to hit you up. It is a social network, after all…in one form or another. So, be social! Click on other people’s profiles, and see what they have to say. Maybe those pictures are indeed all they have to say, and in turn, might be all they are good for! We can’t all be philosophically deep. Some of us are just empty vessels, waiting for passers-by to deliver whatever they care enough to deposit, but I digress… Completing profiles enables other men to have something to say when they approach you. You will see how remarkable this concept is once you give it a try, but that’s also why it is important to put something few other people might have in their profiles! After a while, you will begin to enjoy the benefits of having become more conversational online, but be careful of roadblocks (one-word answers). When you encounter a roadblock, remember:

9) Don’t chase! Hopefully, you’ll remember my post from a couple of months ago about this. If you don’t, here it is. I know some of you enjoy the pursuit, and that’s great, but don’t forget that some returns aren’t worth the investment! That will keep you from overloading your phone or the friend list of your local social networking site with random aliases again (which should keep you from having to repeat item 2 next year!). If you insist on it, however, maybe you should:

10) Develop a filing system for your phone. The symbols and other denotations in your Android, Blackberry, or iPhone are there for your assistance, you know. It can be very confusing to remember which of the 7 “Mikes” in your phone is your sister’s boyfriend, your barber, that guy you met at the bar the other night, or your roommate. Don’t send that naughty picture to the wrong one! I encourage you to learn someone’s last name, attach pictures to the contact in your phone, or find another way to denote them. Some phones will allow to add work information. So, in that space try “(site)/(screenname).” That’s gotten me out of a jam a couple of times before when I couldn’t remember who “Jay” was…but we’re not talking about me.

I know I said I wouldn’t do anything on how to keep NYE resolutions, and I promise I won’t stay long, but I can guarantee you that the answer is simple. In the end, we all should learn to:

11) Develop self-control. I know it is monumentally easier said than done, but still very necessary for us. So many of us can’t resist: sleeping in/eating out instead of exercising, purchasing that second item for equal/lesser value, or sleeping with that guy on the first meeting. Just keep this in mind for 2011:

“Impulses lead to regrets.”

I wrote this list to help some of the backsliders to stay focused. I promise I understand how difficult this rat race can be sometimes, but much like those sad travesties of women on Maury who wind up staying with men who have lied to them to various degrees, I think some of us don’t let guys go once their time with us is over. It’s like Maya Angelou stated:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

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Appropriately, in less than 24 hours, we will all be welcomed (in one form or another) to 2011, and it is my fervent hope that we start it off as best as we can. Try to be more cautious of the people that you surround yourself with, and begin to remove those that seem less than trustworthy from your presence. As Susan Boyle will ask us in the “official” song of the New Year, Auld Lang Syne:

“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to light?”

Yes, they should!

From Date to Mate: 5 Questions to Ask

This winter season, many people are looking to get “boo-ed up,” as the kids say. It is unfortunate, however, that too many of these “relationships” are simply carnal in their true nature, and are devoid of the substance through which the involved portray a rather sad and transparent façade. Perhaps a few of the pretend couples this season are looking to solidify something with this person that they originally considered to be a stand-in until their dream date finds his way to them. There may also be a reader who will be taking this Saturday night to date someone to whom they feel they have nothing to say. I’ve known quite a few individuals who have gone to dinner with a treating suitor only because they were hungry…(but that’s another post!)

In any event, I thought I would bite from this article I read in Yahoo!. You can read that article, also. For the ones of you that are going on a date, you are probably aware that getting the real information out of a date can appear to be a daunting task. I know too many men who know how to ask what they want to know, but don’t happen to be too versed in subtlety. There is also a pocket of men who end up dating a man, and even after five dates, still do not feel as though they know this person with whom they are considering becoming exclusive. Their questions tend to be too bland or basic. In short, people on a bus can talk about the IF and the THAT. People on a date talk about the HOW and the WHY.

It’s easy for many of us to ask about the menial things some of us tend to find “important,” like zodiac sign, job title, and nearest major city of origin. However, facts don’t make a man. You don’t marry profiles. After you ask the basic questions to determine physical compatibility (many of which helped to initiate the desire to date in the first place), you must learn to follow-up with questions to determine intellectual or ideological harmony. I’ve compiled a list of questions to ask your potential mate for you to get through a few dates if you tend to be more introverted or shy in your romantic pursuits.

1. What is your favorite scene from your favorite book or movie or TV show? – Again, initially, it is easy to ask someone about their favorite source of media entertainment, but the WHY may lead you to true insight about your date’s personality or values. For example, one night, a friend of mine had come over to watch Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. We were already watching TV, and Tabatha wouldn’t be on for at least another hour. So, my friend asked if he could watch wrestling. I agreed. However, after about 60 seconds of what I found to be the cradle of idiocy, I had to ask him what drew him to this particular spectator sport. He replied, “I like to watch people talk shit…because I like to talk shit.” Knowing my friend for as long as I had, it made complete sense to me. I also discovered that I myself enjoy shows such as Kitchen Nightmares, Tabatha, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Millionaire Matchmaker, and Tough Love because I like to tell it like it is. So, I want to watch shows where people are saying what I’m thinking. With proper analysis, you can discover something possibly fascinating about your potential suitor!

2. What do you love about your job? – As we all know, in the current economy, you should consider yourself lucky to even find someone who has a job in the first place! On a more serious note, a job title may not do much to tell you someone’s aspiration, especially if you’re dependent on what might be a “stop-gap job” (a plan B that came to fruition before plan A). Plenty of us have had a job in  retail, fast food, or a call center while we waited to complete our degree in psychology, law, or IT. This question could reveal key items like how someone handles conflict, their willingness to try new things, or possibly their preparedness to enter a relationship. …which leads me to…

3. What’s your definition of a relationship? – Personally, I think this question should be placed on the back burner until at least your third date, and you two have given yourselves ample time to become comfortable around each other. You are simply asking this question to find out if you are dating someone who wants to be a normal housewife, or a Real Housewife! There is a difference, not that there is fundamentally anything wrong with either one, but remember that a relationship is defined by the people in it. So, you may have someone who is generally docile or meek and may act like they are glad you made it home from work safely, even if it is after midnight. You might also be dating someone who expects gifts “just because,” a condo in the clouds, and takes you and your wallet for granted. This question may lead you into your date’s fundamental beliefs about male-male romantic relationships, and could tell you more than you may be prepared to receive!

4. If money were no object, what would you do with your life? – This is another great question that would give you fathomable insight into your dates ideals, dreams, and regrets. I think it is fairly common knowledge that you can learn a lot about a person by how they spend their money! Perhaps answers will reveal philanthropic desires, educational pursuits, or an attempt to revive (and star in) the now-defunct MTV’s Cribs. Let me reiterate that there is nothing fundamentally wrong about those responses or the men who give them. You are seeking compatibility. Don’t forget that!

5. Will you share an embarrassing moment with me? – In his 1999 comedy special, Bigger & Blacker, Chris Rock commented on how people tend to meet someone else’s “representative” in the initial stages of courting. Despite the uproarious laughter, Rock had actually made a genuine point about the force fields that most of us construct within the first year of dating someone, including denying our virtual idolization of a certain song or TV show, suppressing certain bodily functions or smells, or possibly “butching it up” to convince this guy whose last name we don’t yet know that we won’t be an “embarrassment” to him…the Pygmalion effect, if you will. Asking someone to share an embarrassing moment is only to “humanize” both them and yourselves. It takes you out of that ethereal dream state, and reminds you that (although it can be difficult to remember or recognize within ourselves):

Nobody is perfect!

Just take things slowly and remember this:

Dating is about determining compatibility according to the hierarchy by which the people in that couple agree to abide.

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You’re simply asking questions like this get an idea if their insides will make a figurative fit with yours. The literal fit usually goes without saying… To help you relax and reflect on that, maybe you should take A Long Walk! Here’s Jill Scott with her second single…