The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Two weeks ago, I had a party at my home in College Park. During the festivities, a developing best friend of mine received a call, and afterwards, promptly excused himself. About two hours later, he called me to make sure the party was still happening. I assured it was, and he returned.

After a couple of rounds of Mario Party (one of the awesome past times around my house), and the disassembly of the party, he proceeds to inform me of the details around his earlier sudden departure. He informs me that a friend within a circle of my friends, Damien, had died. (For the record, I had only seen Damien a handful of times and had one slightly awkward conversation with him. From what I gathered, he was a very upbeat guy, but I didn’t think we had much of anything in common…)

My friend proceed to explain the sequence of events of a few days that ultimately led to Damien’s death. I was very sad to have heard the news, especially with regard to a B-story between my friend and some of the other grieving friends, whom encountered each other for the first time in weeks at the hospital. They had a previous personal rift that I’m sure caused a bit of discomfort between them at the hospital.

Thankfully, Damien (as far as I know) had family and friends around him when he “transitioned",” as they say. What might be the case for you, or some of the people you consider close friends? It’s certainly not something you want to spend a WHOLE lot of time thinking about, but it’s amazing how quickly some people can be gone out of your life forever…

Living in Atlanta, we get imports and carpetbaggers by the daily busload. So many of these men move here at whatever age, from hamlet and metropolis alike, for whatever reason (school, work, family, etc.) looking for something unspecified that so few of them find. In an overwhelming majority of cases, however, they come alone. They usually have no friends or close contacts of any kind here, especially immediately. So, what happens if they get sick or shot? Who can they call?

I guess my point is that I believe the rest of us have some sort of unwritten obligation to engage these community members to at least be sure that they are clearing their mailboxes everyday. After all, it’s the conclusive reason that we endure what we do to make and sustain friends: When it’s YOUR turn, you’ll want someone to care that you are no longer here.

I never thought I would have a use for this, but it’s just one of those songs, ya know? I’m sure Damien never thought that he would be gone after only a quarter of a century. I’m sure The Band Perry wrote this for folks like him. Here’s If I Die Young:

PS – To that circle of friends whom may read this: I did my best and used my best judgment to use Damien and his story to make a larger point about contact and cherishing friendships. Please don’t miss the forest for the trees…

You Just Never Know…

This has definitely been an insane week! As I’m sure you have heard, one of the world’s finest songstresses died last Saturday night. The incomparable Whitney Houston left us for another world very suddenly, and dashed fans’ hope of the eventual comeback for which we had all hoped.

Days later, “Lori", a very close friend of mine discussed with me a suitor that has returned to her life within the last year. Some time ago, a guy that had been a longtime friend of hers decided to pursue her romantically. Lori reluctantly gave him an opportunity a little over a year ago, and he took that chance for granted, making mistakes and taking actions that severely ruined his chances of ever seeing her in such a romantic light again. This time around, however, my friend is debating whether or not to give him this second chance.

Add to that, Thursday’s episode of Braxton Family Values, in which Tamar Braxton has a health scare when her husband Vince discovers a pulmonary embolism (which in layman’s terms is a blood clot in the lung) that causes him severe difficulty breathing. I myself have endured four PEs on my poor lungs some time ago, and they were not fun! So, I can imagine what Vince went through…

All of these tragedies have really made many people question the choices that they make in their lives, especially when it comes to love. I make a strong effort to teach my clients about the importance of empathy when sifting through potential suitors. Some people are good folks, but their presentation is not always ideal. You know my feelings on preferences vs. requirements, but there does come a point where you have ultimately settled for something far less than what you originally desired.

Despite the issues that many of us face with items like this, a look at the story above might make one throw caution to the wind…especially if your life could all end so suddenly?

That reminds me of an episode of  The Golden Girls. When Sophia suffers a heart attack, Dorothy tells the other girls about a friend of hers who went to Paris and had watercress (because she didn’t want to gain weight), only to have a gargoyle statue from the restaurant fall on her head and kill her. She then asks rhetorically, “What’s the point of starving myself to thinness if I know that I could die tomorrow? I might as well eat the chocolate cake.” After discussing the absurdity of being consumed with the worry of arguably inevitable weight gain, Rose points out that “[they] might not die.” They then decide not to eat the cake…

I make the same question for our relationships. If you could die tomorrow, why not date the ugly guy, the old guy, the fat guy, the femme guy, the loser, or the idiot?? What makes you hang around waiting for the perfect guy when you have all of these good/great guys (even if it’s only one) waiting in the wings? Starving yourself to the point of loneliness seems silly to me. After you hear Whitney Houston, maybe your opinion might change a little bit once you know I’m Knockin’.

Out With the Old; In with the New

…as the expression goes! Happy New Year to one and all! I’m back for another year of riveting tales, groovy music, and mountaintop-worthy advice! I thought I might start out with a little quick discussion about recent events in my own life.

Back in mid-December, I took a journey to Dallas, Texas, to visit a longtime online friend for a first meeting. (Who does that anymore, right?) In any event, despite my inexperience with Dallas, and my friend (who we’ll call “Tommy”)’s reluctant family, I had a very nice time with a very quaint individual.

However, after my return to Atlanta, Tommy and I had a very interesting conversation in which a mistake from my past (that I neglected to mention to him while in Dallas) caused concern for the potential of our relationship. Tommy felt that I should have been more forthcoming with the information. I purposely omitted the item because I knew it had the potential to ruin an otherwise highly enjoyable experience. In any event, after our initial discussion, I decided that I need not be concerned with potential out-of-state suitors when there is no guarantee of any further contact between us.

That was the hot topic until approximately a week after I got home…

An old friend that I have known for over three years (who we’ll call “Victor”) called me to let me know he was en route to Atlanta from Michigan. He and I have had a very high volume of sexual tension between us over the years, and since NYE was days away, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity for a NYE kiss. Well, long story short, the kiss didn’t happen.

I asked Victor privately his reasons for why we had yet to begin a relationship, hookup, or even kiss… He listed his answers, and while I had replies for them, it completely dashed any hopes I had of ever actually being with Victor. The day before he left, Victor and I had another discussion about what exactly our relationship was, and what it had the potential to do…or maybe where it had the potential to go. I explained to him how I felt highly offended at some of the things to which he made reference in our previous conversation, and also how I have a laundry of things I think he could change because we don’t agree on a lot, but I look past it (or try to, anyway) because I like him.

As I saw his car drive off, heading back the depressing tenements from whence he came,  (coupled with my Dallas adventure), I was reminded that I am far too desirable by men to be virtually “begging” anyone to be with me! I’m too giving, empathetic, and highly intelligent to be with someone that I had to “convince” to date me, like I’m trying to sell a house on a fault line. …and you don’t have to settle, either! If he doesn’t want you, find someone who does…flaws and all.

I promise he is out there, but you’ll never find your prince wasting time kissing dead frogs…

It’s a new year, and hopefully, you’ll have enough dates (through KNQ or otherwise) in time to attend your wedding on 12-12-12! (You know it’s gonna be en vogue this year to do it!) So, like Toni says, redo your Wardrobe!!

The Defense Rests…

Last Saturday, my best friend Elan and I went to the Taste of Atlanta. If you are unfamiliar, this annual event is held in the downtown area. It’s generally an opportunity for restaurants (both new and old) to gain publicity by having a booth, and offering samples to patrons. Samples cost between 1 and 3 “taste coupons” each. Of course, like any other event with many booths, there are a few booths there not associated with food. One of the first non-food booths we stopped at was for a bartering club. I met an older White woman who inquired about my employment as a potential candidate or “member” of her bartering club. My answer was:

“I own a matchmaking firm.”

Raising her eyebrows, she was very interested in the notion of having a matchmaking firm as one of the many services associated with her club. We exchanged pleasantries, and Elan and I proceeded with our visit to the Taste. After the event, I came home to continue working on some items for Kings ‘N’ Queens. As a matter of fact, we began to work on marketing ideas for the company. Since our first casting is next week, and our website and Facebook and Twitter pages are now all functional, we need to get the word out. While working on ads, I asked Elan:

“Do you think I should have said ‘I own a gay matchmaking firm?’”

She paused, and then answered that in that instance, it may or may not have made a difference in the reply. She reminded me of the very recent situation in my graduate school business class when we introduced ourselves, and what we did. I mentioned that I owned a matchmaking firm, but yet again, I neglected to incorporate the word gay into the description...

It really got me to thinking about how defensive I can become when it comes to describing my business to other people. I get very defensive when discussing it with people whom are not neither black nor gay. It has still been my experience that the only people who truly understand the need for a business like Kings ‘N’ Queens are Black, gay men. I suppose that guardedness comes from years of ostracization and denigration of who I am (and other like me) and our legitimacy as men, gay men, Black men, or some combination thereof. So because I am so used to the hate, I prepare myself to defend myself in it. However, as I have grown into an eloquent, observant, and secure adult, I find that I am much more liable to engage in a shouting match (or other wastes of time and energy) with people whom are not affected by any decisions I make, including the decision to start and furnish KNQ.

Yesterday, a colleague and I were speaking about my expectation to engage with someone, and he reminded me of something:

KNQ, its concept, and its clients are NOT to be defended!

He’s right. KNQ is not illegal, immoral, or insecure. It’s a well thought out concept, designed to serve an over-influential, and yet somehow underserved community. I enjoy working for KNQ, and while I might not have my own reality show on OWN just yet, what I am doing is contemporary and necessary…because I am a visionary!

On an episode of America’s Next Top Model from earlier this season, the bottom two girls were there because while Brittany was not mentioned by the fans at the live show, Alexandria was hated by everyone there. Tyra surprising pulled the photo of Alexandria. When Alex came to accept her photo, Tyra asked her if she knew what the opposite of love was. Alex responded, “hate.” Tyra shook her head, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”  Even if they hate you, they remember you. It’s when they stop caring that you have lost.

Bigots, homophobes and religious zealots may have a problem with Kings ‘N’ Queens, or the community it serves. However, I thank them for their free publicity whenever they speak against us to whomever will listen!

In the last three months, so much has happened in my personal life, including enrolling in graduate school, finding two jobs (foreign language teacher and part-time interpreter), and preparing for KNQ’s first castings and event. I am  happy  things are working out, but the sacrifices I have made for these things are great. I have worked hard to get where I am, and I know I’m always going to have people who are jealous and will try to talk me down because THEY don’t have a plan. I just have to remember, in the words of Ledisi, “Shut Up!”

 

Can I Get Ya Numbah?

That question is often asked in the trenches of a dark, seedy bar between two people more loaded than a pair of Las Vegas dice! It can be very flattering for a new guy to approach you and ask you for a way to contact you whenever you cross his mind. However, what if the “number” to which he refers is NOT telephonically correlated?? Time for everyone’s favorite subject: MATH!!

It can be a very nerve-wracking discussion of course, but in the interest of illustrating the many ways in which gays should stop trying to parallelize the practices, norms, and mores of our straight counterparts, perhaps gays not need to ask the question at all. Do you wonder about the number of men (and women, if applicable) that your current husband, boyfriend, beau, or hookup has “slept with?”

On Friday’s episode of Anderson, the new talk show for the famous (and sexy!) CNN reporter with the last name Cooper, Anna Faris (of Scary Movie fame) came on to promote her new movie, “What’s Your Number?” In this movie, Anna plays a woman who is led to believe that “the one” may have been one of her 20 exes. So, she goes on a quest to look all of them up in the hopes that the second time around will be the love she missed before. The movie came out yesterday.

During her interview on Anderson, Anna discussed the idea of asking your new friend about his sexual experiences. Of course, as expected, there was also a psychotherapist on hand to assist with the philosophy behind this and a few tangential issues. I wondered how many of us even think about that number, and what a certain number would say to us about our potential beau. Do we expect that the men we date have been with half the town simply by virtue of being male, or do we think a little more logically and take into consideration things like lifestyle, libido, and age?

I think gay men are only mindful to the past of our exes in the sense of their possible exposure to STDs, particularly HIV. In my experience, gay men are only concerned with catching the next major STD on the “cure list,” and given the current state of medicine with regard to the world eradication of HIV, people (but particularly gay men) seem to be less cautious* about dating or relating with “poz” men.

When I say cautious, I just mean that many people do not see HIV as the “death sentence” it used to be back when it was the virtually unsolvable puzzle during its discovery to the American public in the early 1980’s. Many of us are aware that the disease exists, and either know someone who has it (whether they even know it or not), has slept with someone who has at least been exposed to it, or we have it ourselves (whether we know it or not)!

That said, think about a few things, and answer these questions in the comments section:

• Would you ask your lover (someone you are or intend to sleep with) for their number? Do you think it’s a conversation worth having?
• How willing would you be to offer your number? Would you lie about the answer? High or low?
• Given our current state of affairs, including medical advances and social consensus, of what importance is a suitor’s number to you?
• Is 5 a lot? 20? 100? 500? Is there a “too many?” If so, what is that number based on?
• Is it better to have a high number or a low number?

The psychotherapist for the show, Dr. Heide Banks, remarked that the only thing that matter in a relationship is THAT relationship. What she means is that new boyfriends should not concern themselves or their new dates/suitors with regaling, reminiscing, or regretting ghosts of boyfriends past. Leave the past where it is. Learn the lessons, and move on with someone new. I tend to agree.

To conclude, I will just note that while I think knowing that number (either of yourself or your suitor) is important for a few reasons, I certainly don’t think that it is telling of the kind of person you are as an individual. I would be wlling to bet that if more of the guys that many of us have been with were at least as interested in monogamy and commitment as they claim to be, many of our numbers might be halved! What do you think? True or false?

Therefore, I think it only fitting that Salt ‘N’ Pepa have the last word on this issue…at least for now. After all, in the end, it’s None of Your Business!

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They’re Not Called WEAK-ends!

Hello, loyal readers! I apologize again for the lack of posts, but things have been looking up in my personal employment life recently. I have gotten five job offers, and while I can handle most of them simultaneously, once any of them ask me about promotions, I might have to make some decisions…but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, huh?

In any event, lately, I was recently in attendance at a birthday party. I knew the guest of honor through a few degrees; I barely knew his name. It was at some dive bar in Atlanta.  In any event, I put on a face as many of the patrons in the bar were not people with whom I might otherwise socialize. Usually, when I correctly hypothesize that this will be the case when I attend social gatherings like this, I wonder how many of these folks find dates.

The thought crossed my mind again last night, of course, and as such, I began to research how to approach any of these folks, if the spirit moved me… I did see one fellow in whom I might have been interested, but his attitude made me hesitate an approach. So, I thought about how other people end up talking at all in these situations where people don’t seem to be aware of how off-putting their scoffed faces, sighs, and rolled eyes can be to potential interests.

I found this article on Yahoo! that talks about how women should approach men. I wondered if the same items (could) ring true for the more introverted of us out there.

1. Be direct. I will agree almost wholeheartedly that the majority of gay men could benefit from this one. Many of us like to talk about “keepin’ it real,” but are usually unable to handle the unabashed truth, especially if it offends us, saddens us, or makes us take a REAL look at what we are (not) doing. If you are interested in a guy platonically or romantically, don’t let that intention become ambiguous. As our friend Wendy Williams has in her talk show theme song, “Say it like you mean it!”

2. Be indirect. The practice of asking your (hopefully pre-attached) friends to go scouting for ordered prospects does not seem to fare well in adult life, in my experience. However, I also understand how paralyzing the fear of rejection can be for some people. However, I will say that I know many a man who would rather appreciate an interested party confidently asserting himself and asking about the likelihood of a phone call or a date.

3. Come up with a plan. This paragraph was going to become a separate post previously, but I’ll touch slightly here. When you are attracted to someone, but before you approach, you should develop a plan, not a ruse. You don’t have to resort to trickery, but the idea of doing “something” “sometime” is not appealing to most people. If you express an interest to a guy about your desire to date him, and he doesn’t reject you, ask questions to help you refine your plan. Ask about his interests (food, movies, music) to help you both have a good time, and learn about each other in the process. Dinner, a show, and drinks IS an acceptable date.

4. Don’t come on too strong. It’s easy to lose the fish, even after you’ve got it on the hook. Be nice and your genuine self. People are generally pretty good at detecting lies, fear, or insecurity. Confidence is magic; arrogance is tragic.

5. Don’t over-plan. It doesn’t have to be a “meal fit for a king…or queen.” You should just be casual about the entire flow. It’s nice that he has agreed to spend hours of his life with you. So, be grateful, but don’t grovel. Ask him to a specific event. “Would you like to go to this show/movie?” “Wanna grab a bite sometime?” You can make other details by letting the date take its course at the time.

You know, they say when you have to give a speech or do any type of public speaking, you should start with a joke. Try that. I don’t have any jokes for you, but if the punch line works, you might be able to lead in with “I Love Your Smile!” Here’s Shanice…

Long Time, No See…

I apologize to the handful of readers that I have on this blog, whom I know have been eagerly awaiting my next entry lo these last few months. I made a promise to myself to write more often, but it seems like that has gone the way of other New Years Resolutions. In any event, I have within the last week had a few encounters that made me want to write a post regarding the sexual nature of long-standing friendships.

Over the last week or so, I have had two very similar situations, but in those situations, I did not have the same role. Let me explain…

In the first of these, a guy with whom I have had a rather dysfunctional pseudo-relationship for years, texted me to shoot the breeze I assume. After not having heard from him for a few months, I made a joke about wanting to get together and “get it in.” He starts on this tirade about how he wishes he could find friends whom are not interested in sex. I made the following points:

• You shouldn’t make someone feel guilty about liking you. You might find that it might not happen as often as you like. Also, many people find it difficult to admit that they like someone in the first place, and the least you could do is not make them retract into that shell it took more than you know to emerge from! Just keep in mind that…
• Just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn’t mean that sex is all they want from you. People don’t generally have sex with people they are not attracted to, especially if multiple engaging conversations have preceded such activity. …even more so if the conversation was not sexually charged. Besides,…
• If friendship is your ultimate goal, you shouldn’t engage in sex. People always say that sex complicates relationships. How right they are! Some folks like to put a time limit on how long they must know someone before they decide to engage sexually, but I’ve got more to say about that in another post…but…
• Once you engage in sex, especially if you do it multiple times, it becomes virtually impossible to revert to a sexless friendship. Again, this is yet another lesson that people tend to have to learn the hard way. People may tell you that they have done it, or know someone who has, but I also know lottery winners. It’s possible, but not probable. So, to conclude…
• If you would like a friend, you should learn to be a friend. This is largely in reference to your contact and interaction with the person in question. Regular, friendly contact may help to suggest the desired level of non-sexual friendship.

In the other situation, another long-time friend (though not as long a time as the first) put me in the opposite role. I refused him sex, and he got frustrated, asking me why I did. I suppose my empathetic and peaceful nature stifled me from breaking my friend’s spirit. Although, it apparently went to no avail. He followed up with a text message, stating that he wouldn’t “bother [me]anymore.” I responded by asking for clarification in the notion that “because I won’t sleep with you, you don’t want to be my friend anymore?” In short, his response was that he was “addicted” to me…no puns intended.

Perhaps the points listed above would’ve saved me a lot of trouble, but sometimes it’s difficult to put your thoughts into words, I suppose… While it’s a bit dated, and slightly inaccurate for a few reasons, Jermaine Stewart is still right when he sings that We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off.