A Year in Preview…

2012 was a very interesting year! We traded Whitney Houston for Honey Boo Boo, experienced a bit of Linsanity and we got a little more comfortable with Anderson Cooper…and although we’re still not sure whether Beyoncé was ever actually pregnant, we were very sure we wanted President Obama for another four years!

However, despite the list of states that are okay with us marrying each other going from six to nine (and the District of Columbia), not enough of us benefit from the changes because we still don’t have anyone with whom we can visit the Justice of the Peace! So in the newness of 2013, let’s make this year about finding the diamond in the rough…even though the color for 2013 is emerald, thus the cosmetic changes to the page. (See the precious metal difference there?) Here are a few things you can try to make new in 2013 to get you a little closer to those courthouse steps, while you wait for your state to allow you to be there!

1. New Semester – This is probably the base of many of our problems. Shortly after his first inauguration, President Barack Obama encouraged the masses to return to school in some form or another, whether it be to one-up your own degree, or obtain your first one, or maybe even a continuing education course. I couldn’t agree more. It’ll give you more to talk about, perhaps a new skill, and will definitely make you seem less one-dimensional.

2. New Living Situation – Not sure how many of you will agree with this one, but perhaps you should take a review of your current shelter, especially with regard to your financial dynamic. Do you act proud about living alone, but you can hear the silence? Do you live with others, but proclaim that everything the light touches is your kingdom? Don’t feel compelled to do what pop culture suggests regarding your situation. Living alone is great if you take full advantage, but what if you slip in the shower? Who’ll know? Who can you call? I don’t mean to scare you, but that’s certainly no reason to live like the The Sims, either…eight of you in a 2BR apartment with no furniture or food…

3. New Occupation – There has been much talk since for the last few years about the job shortage. Many people complain about the loss of manufacturing jobs in the US, and suggest that those jobs should return from their outsourced shores to our disenfranchised citizens. Realistically, however, I have always said that the disconnect is between compulsory (and higher) education, and the jobs companies currently offer. For now, there seems to be a monumental push for financing, construction, and informational technology jobs.

4. New BMI – January is the worst month for this type of discussion, but with the winter months keeping you inside, maybe now would be the opportune time to watch your figure so that others will watch your figure once the weather warms up! I just say a new “body mass index” (for those of you that didn’t recognize the acronym…) might help things a little bit in your way. Losing 30, 50, or 100 lbs. might not be doable by summer, but changing your habits is. It’s fairly easy to start small: smaller portions, light exercise, and fewer processed foods are good ways to start the ball rolling.

5. New Attitude – While this one probably should’ve been higher up the list as one of the ones that can be changed instantly, most people cannot realistically be re-conditioned so quickly. I’m not talking about changing your attitude for the momentary date you are on (although that’s important). I’m talking about the myriad of us who may have spent what feels like the last couple of decades repelling our apparent inability to begin and stabilize a romantic relationship. People are quick to run to the notion that you receive what you present. I do believe that much of that can definitely be true when it comes to personal interactions, like job interviews, sales pitches, and dates. Have you reviewed what you are serving to others, while keeping in mind what others have a desire to partake?

This ought to be enough to get you started…don’t worry, there will be more to come, but no matter how many plans of action you decide to begin simultaneously, like Jordin Sparks says, you can only do it One Step at a Time.

Is Less Really More?

This was a very exciting and enlightening weekend! The day began as normal with one of my favorite shows on television today, The Wendy Williams Show. As usual, Wendy began Friday’s show with an array of hot topics from divorces and reality shows to Superstorm/Hurricane Sandy and even a little bit of politics. In recent weeks, she and her producers have decided to invite other C-/D-list celebrities to accompany Wendy on her show to discuss some of the more social types of topics, especially if they appear to be circumstantial or situational. This week was no different. One of the topics from this week’s “Hot Talk,” as it is known was the use of coupons on a first date.

As expected, the audience and the panel was very divided on such a taboo topic. Of course, no one wants to appear cheap, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to do a little more with for a little less. Other panelists offered suggestions of doing other things that didn’t cost as much money in the first place, like planning a picnic or walking around, or light coffee drinks, where money is not as necessary to get the full value or experience.

I may come back to this topic later, but I will say as an underemployed statistic of the American economy, it is very difficult to maintain the dating standards I have set for you all (and by extension, myself)! I went out with a guy on Friday to Ruby Tuesday, and I spent fifty bucks without even thinking about it. I paid because I asked him out; I think that’s the obligation that the asker makes through request. I could have asked him to pay some, or leave a tip, but I didn’t because I didn’t think that would have been very gentlemanly of me.

I think for a lot of people it’s that old adage that “You never get a second chance to make a first impression!” No one wants to be seen as a skinflint, but I also think in this economy, more people understand the need to save money, even if it is just a couple of dollars. I know my last date certainly made me reconsider finding other ways of holding onto my money without looking cheap.

My advice as a professional matchmaker would be to wait on the coupon for at least the third date…unless you can find a way to make it sound like a deal and not a coupon. For example, if you can get cheap tickets for a movie or a round of golf or a concert, maybe the other person won’t find that cheap because it is an expensive thing to do. However, using dollar-off coupons at your local fast food restaurant on a first date highly minimizes the chances for a second.

What do you think? Does cutting coupons also cut your chances for another date? Do you think a man who uses coupons is cheap? Do you use coupons?

When we tend to run on about these kinds of things, very often we can get caught up, and forget (as Jill Scott reminds us) how Blessed we are…

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life

Two weeks ago, I had a party at my home in College Park. During the festivities, a developing best friend of mine received a call, and afterwards, promptly excused himself. About two hours later, he called me to make sure the party was still happening. I assured it was, and he returned.

After a couple of rounds of Mario Party (one of the awesome past times around my house), and the disassembly of the party, he proceeds to inform me of the details around his earlier sudden departure. He informs me that a friend within a circle of my friends, Damien, had died. (For the record, I had only seen Damien a handful of times and had one slightly awkward conversation with him. From what I gathered, he was a very upbeat guy, but I didn’t think we had much of anything in common…)

My friend proceed to explain the sequence of events of a few days that ultimately led to Damien’s death. I was very sad to have heard the news, especially with regard to a B-story between my friend and some of the other grieving friends, whom encountered each other for the first time in weeks at the hospital. They had a previous personal rift that I’m sure caused a bit of discomfort between them at the hospital.

Thankfully, Damien (as far as I know) had family and friends around him when he “transitioned",” as they say. What might be the case for you, or some of the people you consider close friends? It’s certainly not something you want to spend a WHOLE lot of time thinking about, but it’s amazing how quickly some people can be gone out of your life forever…

Living in Atlanta, we get imports and carpetbaggers by the daily busload. So many of these men move here at whatever age, from hamlet and metropolis alike, for whatever reason (school, work, family, etc.) looking for something unspecified that so few of them find. In an overwhelming majority of cases, however, they come alone. They usually have no friends or close contacts of any kind here, especially immediately. So, what happens if they get sick or shot? Who can they call?

I guess my point is that I believe the rest of us have some sort of unwritten obligation to engage these community members to at least be sure that they are clearing their mailboxes everyday. After all, it’s the conclusive reason that we endure what we do to make and sustain friends: When it’s YOUR turn, you’ll want someone to care that you are no longer here.

I never thought I would have a use for this, but it’s just one of those songs, ya know? I’m sure Damien never thought that he would be gone after only a quarter of a century. I’m sure The Band Perry wrote this for folks like him. Here’s If I Die Young:

PS – To that circle of friends whom may read this: I did my best and used my best judgment to use Damien and his story to make a larger point about contact and cherishing friendships. Please don’t miss the forest for the trees…

You Just Never Know…

This has definitely been an insane week! As I’m sure you have heard, one of the world’s finest songstresses died last Saturday night. The incomparable Whitney Houston left us for another world very suddenly, and dashed fans’ hope of the eventual comeback for which we had all hoped.

Days later, “Lori", a very close friend of mine discussed with me a suitor that has returned to her life within the last year. Some time ago, a guy that had been a longtime friend of hers decided to pursue her romantically. Lori reluctantly gave him an opportunity a little over a year ago, and he took that chance for granted, making mistakes and taking actions that severely ruined his chances of ever seeing her in such a romantic light again. This time around, however, my friend is debating whether or not to give him this second chance.

Add to that, Thursday’s episode of Braxton Family Values, in which Tamar Braxton has a health scare when her husband Vince discovers a pulmonary embolism (which in layman’s terms is a blood clot in the lung) that causes him severe difficulty breathing. I myself have endured four PEs on my poor lungs some time ago, and they were not fun! So, I can imagine what Vince went through…

All of these tragedies have really made many people question the choices that they make in their lives, especially when it comes to love. I make a strong effort to teach my clients about the importance of empathy when sifting through potential suitors. Some people are good folks, but their presentation is not always ideal. You know my feelings on preferences vs. requirements, but there does come a point where you have ultimately settled for something far less than what you originally desired.

Despite the issues that many of us face with items like this, a look at the story above might make one throw caution to the wind…especially if your life could all end so suddenly?

That reminds me of an episode of  The Golden Girls. When Sophia suffers a heart attack, Dorothy tells the other girls about a friend of hers who went to Paris and had watercress (because she didn’t want to gain weight), only to have a gargoyle statue from the restaurant fall on her head and kill her. She then asks rhetorically, “What’s the point of starving myself to thinness if I know that I could die tomorrow? I might as well eat the chocolate cake.” After discussing the absurdity of being consumed with the worry of arguably inevitable weight gain, Rose points out that “[they] might not die.” They then decide not to eat the cake…

I make the same question for our relationships. If you could die tomorrow, why not date the ugly guy, the old guy, the fat guy, the femme guy, the loser, or the idiot?? What makes you hang around waiting for the perfect guy when you have all of these good/great guys (even if it’s only one) waiting in the wings? Starving yourself to the point of loneliness seems silly to me. After you hear Whitney Houston, maybe your opinion might change a little bit once you know I’m Knockin’.

Out With the Old; In with the New

…as the expression goes! Happy New Year to one and all! I’m back for another year of riveting tales, groovy music, and mountaintop-worthy advice! I thought I might start out with a little quick discussion about recent events in my own life.

Back in mid-December, I took a journey to Dallas, Texas, to visit a longtime online friend for a first meeting. (Who does that anymore, right?) In any event, despite my inexperience with Dallas, and my friend (who we’ll call “Tommy”)’s reluctant family, I had a very nice time with a very quaint individual.

However, after my return to Atlanta, Tommy and I had a very interesting conversation in which a mistake from my past (that I neglected to mention to him while in Dallas) caused concern for the potential of our relationship. Tommy felt that I should have been more forthcoming with the information. I purposely omitted the item because I knew it had the potential to ruin an otherwise highly enjoyable experience. In any event, after our initial discussion, I decided that I need not be concerned with potential out-of-state suitors when there is no guarantee of any further contact between us.

That was the hot topic until approximately a week after I got home…

An old friend that I have known for over three years (who we’ll call “Victor”) called me to let me know he was en route to Atlanta from Michigan. He and I have had a very high volume of sexual tension between us over the years, and since NYE was days away, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity for a NYE kiss. Well, long story short, the kiss didn’t happen.

I asked Victor privately his reasons for why we had yet to begin a relationship, hookup, or even kiss… He listed his answers, and while I had replies for them, it completely dashed any hopes I had of ever actually being with Victor. The day before he left, Victor and I had another discussion about what exactly our relationship was, and what it had the potential to do…or maybe where it had the potential to go. I explained to him how I felt highly offended at some of the things to which he made reference in our previous conversation, and also how I have a laundry of things I think he could change because we don’t agree on a lot, but I look past it (or try to, anyway) because I like him.

As I saw his car drive off, heading back the depressing tenements from whence he came,  (coupled with my Dallas adventure), I was reminded that I am far too desirable by men to be virtually “begging” anyone to be with me! I’m too giving, empathetic, and highly intelligent to be with someone that I had to “convince” to date me, like I’m trying to sell a house on a fault line. …and you don’t have to settle, either! If he doesn’t want you, find someone who does…flaws and all.

I promise he is out there, but you’ll never find your prince wasting time kissing dead frogs…

It’s a new year, and hopefully, you’ll have enough dates (through KNQ or otherwise) in time to attend your wedding on 12-12-12! (You know it’s gonna be en vogue this year to do it!) So, like Toni says, redo your Wardrobe!!

The Defense Rests…

Last Saturday, my best friend Elan and I went to the Taste of Atlanta. If you are unfamiliar, this annual event is held in the downtown area. It’s generally an opportunity for restaurants (both new and old) to gain publicity by having a booth, and offering samples to patrons. Samples cost between 1 and 3 “taste coupons” each. Of course, like any other event with many booths, there are a few booths there not associated with food. One of the first non-food booths we stopped at was for a bartering club. I met an older White woman who inquired about my employment as a potential candidate or “member” of her bartering club. My answer was:

“I own a matchmaking firm.”

Raising her eyebrows, she was very interested in the notion of having a matchmaking firm as one of the many services associated with her club. We exchanged pleasantries, and Elan and I proceeded with our visit to the Taste. After the event, I came home to continue working on some items for Kings ‘N’ Queens. As a matter of fact, we began to work on marketing ideas for the company. Since our first casting is next week, and our website and Facebook and Twitter pages are now all functional, we need to get the word out. While working on ads, I asked Elan:

“Do you think I should have said ‘I own a gay matchmaking firm?’”

She paused, and then answered that in that instance, it may or may not have made a difference in the reply. She reminded me of the very recent situation in my graduate school business class when we introduced ourselves, and what we did. I mentioned that I owned a matchmaking firm, but yet again, I neglected to incorporate the word gay into the description...

It really got me to thinking about how defensive I can become when it comes to describing my business to other people. I get very defensive when discussing it with people whom are not neither black nor gay. It has still been my experience that the only people who truly understand the need for a business like Kings ‘N’ Queens are Black, gay men. I suppose that guardedness comes from years of ostracization and denigration of who I am (and other like me) and our legitimacy as men, gay men, Black men, or some combination thereof. So because I am so used to the hate, I prepare myself to defend myself in it. However, as I have grown into an eloquent, observant, and secure adult, I find that I am much more liable to engage in a shouting match (or other wastes of time and energy) with people whom are not affected by any decisions I make, including the decision to start and furnish KNQ.

Yesterday, a colleague and I were speaking about my expectation to engage with someone, and he reminded me of something:

KNQ, its concept, and its clients are NOT to be defended!

He’s right. KNQ is not illegal, immoral, or insecure. It’s a well thought out concept, designed to serve an over-influential, and yet somehow underserved community. I enjoy working for KNQ, and while I might not have my own reality show on OWN just yet, what I am doing is contemporary and necessary…because I am a visionary!

On an episode of America’s Next Top Model from earlier this season, the bottom two girls were there because while Brittany was not mentioned by the fans at the live show, Alexandria was hated by everyone there. Tyra surprising pulled the photo of Alexandria. When Alex came to accept her photo, Tyra asked her if she knew what the opposite of love was. Alex responded, “hate.” Tyra shook her head, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”  Even if they hate you, they remember you. It’s when they stop caring that you have lost.

Bigots, homophobes and religious zealots may have a problem with Kings ‘N’ Queens, or the community it serves. However, I thank them for their free publicity whenever they speak against us to whomever will listen!

In the last three months, so much has happened in my personal life, including enrolling in graduate school, finding two jobs (foreign language teacher and part-time interpreter), and preparing for KNQ’s first castings and event. I am  happy  things are working out, but the sacrifices I have made for these things are great. I have worked hard to get where I am, and I know I’m always going to have people who are jealous and will try to talk me down because THEY don’t have a plan. I just have to remember, in the words of Ledisi, “Shut Up!”

 

Can I Get Ya Numbah?

That question is often asked in the trenches of a dark, seedy bar between two people more loaded than a pair of Las Vegas dice! It can be very flattering for a new guy to approach you and ask you for a way to contact you whenever you cross his mind. However, what if the “number” to which he refers is NOT telephonically correlated?? Time for everyone’s favorite subject: MATH!!

It can be a very nerve-wracking discussion of course, but in the interest of illustrating the many ways in which gays should stop trying to parallelize the practices, norms, and mores of our straight counterparts, perhaps gays not need to ask the question at all. Do you wonder about the number of men (and women, if applicable) that your current husband, boyfriend, beau, or hookup has “slept with?”

On Friday’s episode of Anderson, the new talk show for the famous (and sexy!) CNN reporter with the last name Cooper, Anna Faris (of Scary Movie fame) came on to promote her new movie, “What’s Your Number?” In this movie, Anna plays a woman who is led to believe that “the one” may have been one of her 20 exes. So, she goes on a quest to look all of them up in the hopes that the second time around will be the love she missed before. The movie came out yesterday.

During her interview on Anderson, Anna discussed the idea of asking your new friend about his sexual experiences. Of course, as expected, there was also a psychotherapist on hand to assist with the philosophy behind this and a few tangential issues. I wondered how many of us even think about that number, and what a certain number would say to us about our potential beau. Do we expect that the men we date have been with half the town simply by virtue of being male, or do we think a little more logically and take into consideration things like lifestyle, libido, and age?

I think gay men are only mindful to the past of our exes in the sense of their possible exposure to STDs, particularly HIV. In my experience, gay men are only concerned with catching the next major STD on the “cure list,” and given the current state of medicine with regard to the world eradication of HIV, people (but particularly gay men) seem to be less cautious* about dating or relating with “poz” men.

When I say cautious, I just mean that many people do not see HIV as the “death sentence” it used to be back when it was the virtually unsolvable puzzle during its discovery to the American public in the early 1980’s. Many of us are aware that the disease exists, and either know someone who has it (whether they even know it or not), has slept with someone who has at least been exposed to it, or we have it ourselves (whether we know it or not)!

That said, think about a few things, and answer these questions in the comments section:

• Would you ask your lover (someone you are or intend to sleep with) for their number? Do you think it’s a conversation worth having?
• How willing would you be to offer your number? Would you lie about the answer? High or low?
• Given our current state of affairs, including medical advances and social consensus, of what importance is a suitor’s number to you?
• Is 5 a lot? 20? 100? 500? Is there a “too many?” If so, what is that number based on?
• Is it better to have a high number or a low number?

The psychotherapist for the show, Dr. Heide Banks, remarked that the only thing that matter in a relationship is THAT relationship. What she means is that new boyfriends should not concern themselves or their new dates/suitors with regaling, reminiscing, or regretting ghosts of boyfriends past. Leave the past where it is. Learn the lessons, and move on with someone new. I tend to agree.

To conclude, I will just note that while I think knowing that number (either of yourself or your suitor) is important for a few reasons, I certainly don’t think that it is telling of the kind of person you are as an individual. I would be wlling to bet that if more of the guys that many of us have been with were at least as interested in monogamy and commitment as they claim to be, many of our numbers might be halved! What do you think? True or false?

Therefore, I think it only fitting that Salt ‘N’ Pepa have the last word on this issue…at least for now. After all, in the end, it’s None of Your Business!

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