In the last couple of months, KNQ has actually taken off a little bit, and I couldn’t be prouder. We’ve had a QuickDraw (which is what we call our speed dating events), and a couple of folks made some good matches! However, much to my surprise, another one of our offerings has taken off in popularity. We call them BlackJack Dates, in which a client (the Ace) comes to me seeking a mate. I search through my contacts and find three guys (called “Jacks”) with whom the Ace will go on a group date. A friend of mine was selected by his Ace on the BlackJack Date he went on. So the two of them began a courtship that has lasted lo these six weeks. Recently, however, my friend informed me that after a number of good morning texts, all-nite phone calls, and a couple of road trips to spend
weekends at each other’s out-of-state residences, the Ace has decided to take things slow because as he said, “less is more.” My friend is clearly distraught by this decision, and as a result has completely withdrawn what were developing into serious feelings for this Ace. Over the last week, I, too, have also had difficulties with scheduling dates with seemingly interested suitors. As I’m typing this one gentleman (who we’ll call “Daniel”) can’t seem to answer a straight question about when we can go to dinner. Literally texting…
Daniel: I got my car fixed. Me: Cool. When we going to dinner? Daniel: Sometime I’m sure. Me: ??? Daniel: Lemme think…
I was never clear on exactly how much time you need to find a time to go to dinner within the next week; I think we are all relatively clear on our schedules. However, the craziest text exchange I have had in many moons started on Sunday. I met Andrew on a common gay website. We began conversations about his medical issues, which he had apprehension about revealing to me for fear of rejection. As a result, we decided to meet on Wednesday. Monday’s conversation continued, trading pictures and associated compliments. Unfortunately, Tuesday went almost entirely by without any response to my correspondence. Hours before midnight, we had a very confusing interaction, wherein he suddenly decided that we wanted different things and therefore, no longer wanted to meet. The chat was a bit lengthy so I won’t try to explain here. Watch the magic below.
I realize I haven’t posted any items in a bit. Things in my personal life had been a bit hectic, but in the last few months, there have been some turn arounds, including a new job, a new place, and even a new car! So, thingas have been looking up, and just recently, I was reminded of why I was doing all of this other stuff in the first place. I have to be more consistent about this company. I do feel like I had temporarily lost my fire for it…but I’m back at it again!
Today’s topic is just kind of something I have noticed lately in a lot of the Black, gay Facebook groups that I see everyday on my newsfeed/timeline. A lot of these groups claim to be relationship-oriented, but they often contain the same prototype:
Same members as many other groups
Threads seemingly completely unrelated to the group type as a whole
Selfies of members requesting acceptance
It’s the last item that inspired this post. So many of these guys (who for the record are phyne…) seem to think that a perfectly-filtered selfie is going to be their ticket to the altar, and while many other members complain about this practice, no admins seem to care enough to patrol it. That got me to thinking about other things that I notice guys do that are nonsensical, illogical, immature, and not to mention inconsistent when it comes to their never-ending quest to find a mate. So I made a list! Here are the five basic reasons you (and I’m sure a few of your friends) are still on the market…
1. You are using the wrong bait.
Imagine a gay dating site where you HAD to have a nice face picture on your profile for it to be accepted and available for view by other members. …exactly. Selfies containing sphincter are not how you attract a husband.
Remedy: Either practice with your front-facing camera, or get a good friend to help you take a nice, clear, well-lit photo of your face. It’s not a mugshot, but men are visual, and the great majority of us would like to know who is vying for our attention.
2. You don’t follow through.
Through sporadic chats, either on the actual sites, or once you have graduated to texting, no one makes any plans. Even if you attempt it, it’s a flimsy one at that. You have to remember that it is highly likely that you are not the only guy competing (and you ARE competing) for his attention. So unless you set it in stone, you leave his schedule open for other suitors. You need to start to “hard schedule” plans.Say “Next Friday, at 7.” Don’t say “Next weekend sometime. Keep me posted.” That’s how the more immediately attractive guy gets in.
Remedy: Learn to make a plan. Agree on a time, place, and activity. Then, SHOW UP! No one likes to have their time wasted, but it’s amazing the number of guys who don’t appear to understand just how modern technology has made up-to-the-minute updates exponentially more possible.
3. You are boring.
This one is a touchy one, and I am certainly not trying to ruffle any feathers, but I know how true this is firsthand. When I say “boring,” I generally mean that you are either highly routine, or are busy doing nothing. You don’t read and/or watch TV. In most cases, you are simply one-dimensional. So, whether you are a queen, a thug, a nerd, or a professional, you never leave your comfort zone…or you make it terribly obvious when you do.
Remedy: Try to be more well-rounded. Go places you wouldn’t go when your friends want to go so you are at least familiar. Don’t condescend too much in any one direction. Visit museums, aquariums, libraries, AND amusement parks, bowling alleys, skating rinks, and clubs. You should be able to watch both Wendy Williams AND Stephen Colbert. Be aware without being obsessed. Conversation is strenuous, almost impossible, with anyone who has such a limited (stifled?) outlook. Don’t be that guy.
4. You’re not at peace with who you are.
You’re not realistic about what a good match looks like. Pictures are constantly posted and referenced with models with bulging muscles, sinewy skin and piercing eyes…but again, they are men, and they are visually attracted to (usually) like-appearing individuals.
I often get the sense that guys chase what they think other people think they should have. You don’t date enough men to know what you like, tolerate, or try. Sexual things are easy differences, but if you know you like something that others may not, don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to seek it out even. In the end, you are looking for a man for YOU…not your buddy…
Remedy: Take a bit of time to develop your “type.” Just think about what preferences you have. Develop your own interests, outside of gayness. There is more to you than who you sleep with.
5. You’re rushing.
It’s hard to expect a starving man to politely cook and cut a steak and resist the urge to just tear into it like a ferocious beast of burden. An analogy exists there…
Life is not a sitcom or a rom-com. You can’t expect it to work out in 3 hours…if it even works out at all.
Remedy: Date. Stay in contact. Contact him at the beginning of the week to make plans for the coming weekend. Remember to hard schedule the date, and in the meantime, stay interesting so you won’t be boring when you meet up! After all, if a job won’t give you a promotion until after 12 months, is it not also similarly logical to wait a feasible amount of time before you promote a suitor to a boyfriend?
…and this is just the basic stuff! So many guys complain about the things that other men do, but won’t talk about the things that they themselves don’t/won’t do. These five items above account for more than half the men not in relationships (whom desire them). You want to stop sabotaging your “pre-lationships?” Take an honest look at The Man in the Mirror…
If you haven’t heard it yet, let me be the first to welcome you to the next year of triumph for you and us here at Kings ‘N’ Queens! The season of change inspires both introspection and analysis of one’s place in life: where they are, where they want to be, where they want to go, and perhaps most importantly, how they will get there.
As the holidays approach, we notice many of our more favorite television shows preparing to go on vacation until after the new year. One of my favorite shows is The Wendy Williams Show. I love her free spirit and her forthcoming nature. Her theme song (written especially for her) encourages her, and her viewers, to tell (and deal with) the unabashed truth! In light of the new year, the theme for this year will be COMMUNICATION IN TRUTH. To get you started, here are three types of people you should start being more honest with:
Romantic Interests – This could go for either current boyfriends or across-the-room crushes at the club. Sometimes I think too many of us are afraid to show such a vulnerability to strangers, acquaintances, and even someone we’ve shared a house or bed with for the better part of year. I encourage you to be more forthcoming with your feelings. Challenge yourself to make sure that whenever you go to a club (online or offline) that you will make a diligent effort to strike up an engaging conversation with AT LEAST THREE people. This practice will help you make a better catch for someone else when something does happen; trust me! For those of you in relationships, try being more upfront with your boo (as the kids say) about issues in your lives. You’d be surprised how much freer you’ll feel as a result of simply sharing.
Friends – What’s the point of having friends if you have to pretend to be someone you aren’t with them the whole time? Friends are supposed to be the one set of people on Earth with whom you can revel in the unabashed truth, free to judge, support, and console each other when need be. Be careful of whom you allow to attain such an esteemed title. Please remember that “a friend (when YOU are) in need is a friend indeed.” Some people have trouble with that adage…
Yourself – This one is probably the most important of the entire list, but I ranked it at the bottom because it regards the most to say. So many of us are lying to ourselves, trying to convince others to see the person we want to be, as opposed to whom we really are. Let 2014 be a year of true contemplation, analysis and reconstruction. Make a plan and decide what you are going to do (measurable steps) in order to achieve it. Losing weight, saving money, and going back to school are three of the most common goals in the new year…but try not to fall off before March!
This new journey to truth should assist you in attaining many of your goals, but it is also HIGHLY important to remember the importance of tact when giving the truth to anyone. Tact takes a while to develop, but the practice is so beneficial. Increasing your vocabulary is a great way to learn how to more precisely describe your situation or explain your feelings when interacting with others. Remember that it is all about discovering obstacles, analyzing effects, and developing solutions in all parts of your life. We’re help to help you (and your friends) get where you want to be, especially with regard to your romantic situation!
Question:What types of goals do you think men could set to get where they would like to be romantically? What will you change about yourself and your approach to dating in 2014?
I know it has been such a long while since I have posted anything, and I also said I would do better, but I’ve had a lot of things going on personally, on top of a couple of new things going on for Kings ‘N’ Queens. Some of those things include some deconstructed events designed to build a customer base before trying to engage in the full scale speed dating events that I someday hope to have. I figure I might try to explain them here, but for right now, I have to get a little bit of a surveying done. So I am going to check that out, and I’d like for my readers to all be on the lookout for that. I just felt the need to explain a few of the things that a couple of folks have asked me about KNQ and what it is,…and what it’s not.
KNQ is designed for men who are looking for a permanent arrangement. Kings ‘N’ Queens was designed by someone who understands the sheer difficulty in trying to find one person to be with for longer than a few months. The great majority of other avenues that we currently have to find companionship are all jumbled together. They don’t strive to be very selective in how they function or market themselves, especially to a crowd of folks who are mostly very fixed in what they are looking for (friendship, romance, or sex). So we all find ourselves constantly trying any avenue available to find whatever it is we want because nothing is clearly marked…right? Well, Kings ‘N’ Queens is clearly marked. That said, please remember that--
KNQ is designed for YOU! We want to make every effort to help you find the man of your dreams. Therefore, it is imperative that you be honest and truthful about who you actually are, not who you think other people want you to be. Be honest about your weight, your height, your age, your income, your hobbies, and even your vices! Our mission is to find you someone who will love you for you as you are! We face enough exclusion in our daily lives, from the people we work and live near, some of whom we refer to be inaccurate titles like “friends” and “family.” In our quest to find companionship, and without the added advantage of love connections through our already established contacts, many of us turn to the more popular online websites that I’m sure we could call name five of the top ten! Some of us have spent years on these sites, and still have an empty couch to show for it! However, as much as we want you to use our service, it is also equally as important that you remember that--
KNQ will cost money. We are a company like any other. Our goal is to make money. However, we have a complete and total psychology illustrated by the desire to construct and present a company like this one. KNQ is a vessel through which we believe very true and necessary social change would be necessary to advance our belief that we are just as much citizens as anyone else in this country. To that end, KNQ has designed several dating events to assist you in meeting quality men in quality environments. However, attendance at such events will require that you shell out a few dollars in pursuit for something that will benefit your life, same as you would for food, gas, or clothing. Please trust that there is more going on here than meets the eye, including much of the initial sorting work, which is the cause of despondence from so many eligible bachelors. We guarantee you that the money is worth it. Please take advantage of any discounts we may offer, but don’t be afraid to pay to have the field narrowed by a great deal!
It’s a renewed effort around these parts to try to start making some matches as some things are currently in the works, for major productions that could really help out our efforts around here. We truly believe that what we have going on here will be highly beneficial for all parties involved, but we can’t do it without you!
We want nothing more than to start registering you guys, planning some events, and making some matches! It’s a long road ahead of us, but what good is the perfect company without clients. Listen to Patti LaBelle as we invite you all through her to Come As You Are.
This weekend was one like I have not had in a long time. After attending a birthday party for a co-worker of my best friend, where we entertained by both a magician and a psychic, our best friends requested that we join them at this club downtown. I had not been to the club since last summer, when we all went out to see a performance by a previous winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race. We had a lot of fun, but at the same time, I was quickly and easily reacquainted with the reasons why I don’t attend the festivities in the first place.
I will do my best not to discuss the general archetypes of the men I see in almost any club I’ve ever visited, but I will definitely say that very few of the men in there have faces that I would want next to mine in a wedding photo. There are a lot of attractive men, but I still get the sense that too many of the guys there are trying too hard to be the same person. They all want to be seen as “masculine,” however they define that, “sexy,” dressed in clothing that despite its size is still one or two sizes too small, and “approachable,” never mind the sauntering and grumpy faces that float in the darkness of a drunken 2:00am stupor.
So my friend asks me about why I don’t go approach men while I’m in the club. I begin explaining the science behind the approach and all of the items one must consider. In many cases, if the man is attractive enough to make you attempt an approach, often his demeanor is overly confident or offensively disinterested. I am not sure what avenues you use to meet men, whether the clubs you attend are online or offline, but this was just a little reminder of the true (and often forgotten) reality about being in the club.
Much of the lack of confidence stems from our adolescence, a time in which we began to notice all of the attractive men in our lives. Certainly things got tougher once we heard about and discovered sex, and all of the physical ways through which we show someone romantic interest, even if only for a moment. We continue this trend into our adulthood, becoming more comfortable with the notion of being inevitably single and alone, often to the point of subconsciously sabotaging budding or blossoming relationships over rather minute issues. We grew accustomed to admiring from afar and the fear of public humiliation or embarrassment at the first sign of unreturned interest. Somehow that doesn’t change once we’re in the club…not that the environment lends itself to conversation and privacy, but that’s a separate blog post…
So here are three quick tips to remember while you’re in the club with your friends, if you would like to meet someone you find highly attractive:
1) Leave the pack: Be willing to venture away from your friends for just a couple of minutes. They are grown adults and I doubt they will wilt, cry, or starve from your absence. Besides, you’ll have plenty more to talk about on the car ride home if you divide and conquer.
2) Remember this ain’t high school: Whatever hierarchy you have created in your own head is just that—created in your own head. Just because something is in high supply, doesn’t mean that it’s also in high demand. So what if you stick out like a sore thumb? It makes you easier to find amongst the crowd of posers and perpetrators.
3) Learn to laugh at their stupidity: Every conversation you attempt to start with a fine dude won’t be a homerun. Many will act like they are indeed too good to be in the same club you’re in. Perhaps they are busy dangling on someone else’s hook. Meanwhile, just be willing to say hello, if it’s not even about trying to date them necessarily. If they scoff at you, you can secretly scoff at how easily they pass up a good opportunity!
I am very aware that these tips are much easier said than done, but maybe one or two of them can really help you with being able to find a way to either become more approachable or to do more approaching. Right now, it just seems like everyone is thinking like Toni Braxton, and thinks everyone is “Looking At Me.”
2012 was a very interesting year! We traded Whitney Houston for Honey Boo Boo, experienced a bit of Linsanity and we got a little more comfortable with Anderson Cooper…and although we’re still not sure whether Beyoncé was ever actually pregnant, we were very sure we wanted President Obama for another four years!
However, despite the list of states that are okay with us marrying each other going from six to nine (and the District of Columbia), not enough of us benefit from the changes because we still don’t have anyone with whom we can visit the Justice of the Peace! So in the newness of 2013, let’s make this year about finding the diamond in the rough…even though the color for 2013 is emerald, thus the cosmetic changes to the page. (See the precious metal difference there?) Here are a few things you can try to make new in 2013 to get you a little closer to those courthouse steps, while you wait for your state to allow you to be there!
1. New Semester – This is probably the base of many of our problems. Shortly after his first inauguration, President Barack Obama encouraged the masses to return to school in some form or another, whether it be to one-up your own degree, or obtain your first one, or maybe even a continuing education course. I couldn’t agree more. It’ll give you more to talk about, perhaps a new skill, and will definitely make you seem less one-dimensional.
2. New Living Situation – Not sure how many of you will agree with this one, but perhaps you should take a review of your current shelter, especially with regard to your financial dynamic. Do you act proud about living alone, but you can hear the silence? Do you live with others, but proclaim that everything the light touches is your kingdom? Don’t feel compelled to do what pop culture suggests regarding your situation. Living alone is great if you take full advantage, but what if you slip in the shower? Who’ll know? Who can you call? I don’t mean to scare you, but that’s certainly no reason to live like the The Sims, either…eight of you in a 2BR apartment with no furniture or food…
3. New Occupation – There has been much talk since for the last few years about the job shortage. Many people complain about the loss of manufacturing jobs in the US, and suggest that those jobs should return from their outsourced shores to our disenfranchised citizens. Realistically, however, I have always said that the disconnect is between compulsory (and higher) education, and the jobs companies currently offer. For now, there seems to be a monumental push for financing, construction, and informational technology jobs.
4. New BMI – January is the worst month for this type of discussion, but with the winter months keeping you inside, maybe now would be the opportune time to watch your figure so that others will watch your figure once the weather warms up! I just say a new “body mass index” (for those of you that didn’t recognize the acronym…) might help things a little bit in your way. Losing 30, 50, or 100 lbs. might not be doable by summer, but changing your habits is. It’s fairly easy to start small: smaller portions, light exercise, and fewer processed foods are good ways to start the ball rolling.
5. New Attitude – While this one probably should’ve been higher up the list as one of the ones that can be changed instantly, most people cannot realistically be re-conditioned so quickly. I’m not talking about changing your attitude for the momentary date you are on (although that’s important). I’m talking about the myriad of us who may have spent what feels like the last couple of decades repelling our apparent inability to begin and stabilize a romantic relationship. People are quick to run to the notion that you receive what you present. I do believe that much of that can definitely be true when it comes to personal interactions, like job interviews, sales pitches, and dates. Have you reviewed what you are serving to others, while keeping in mind what others have a desire to partake?
This ought to be enough to get you started…don’t worry, there will be more to come, but no matter how many plans of action you decide to begin simultaneously, like Jordin Sparks says, you can only do it One Step at a Time.
This was a very exciting and enlightening weekend! The day began as normal with one of my favorite shows on television today, The Wendy Williams Show. As usual, Wendy began Friday’s show with an array of hot topics from divorces and reality shows to Superstorm/Hurricane Sandy and even a little bit of politics. In recent weeks, she and her producers have decided to invite other C-/D-list celebrities to accompany Wendy on her show to discuss some of the more social types of topics, especially if they appear to be circumstantial or situational. This week was no different. One of the topics from this week’s “Hot Talk,” as it is known was the use of coupons on a first date.
As expected, the audience and the panel was very divided on such a taboo topic. Of course, no one wants to appear cheap, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to do a little more with for a little less. Other panelists offered suggestions of doing other things that didn’t cost as much money in the first place, like planning a picnic or walking around, or light coffee drinks, where money is not as necessary to get the full value or experience.
I may come back to this topic later, but I will say as an underemployed statistic of the American economy, it is very difficult to maintain the dating standards I have set for you all (and by extension, myself)! I went out with a guy on Friday to Ruby Tuesday, and I spent fifty bucks without even thinking about it. I paid because I asked him out; I think that’s the obligation that the asker makes through request. I could have asked him to pay some, or leave a tip, but I didn’t because I didn’t think that would have been very gentlemanly of me.
I think for a lot of people it’s that old adage that “You never get a second chance to make a first impression!” No one wants to be seen as a skinflint, but I also think in this economy, more people understand the need to save money, even if it is just a couple of dollars. I know my last date certainly made me reconsider finding other ways of holding onto my money without looking cheap.
My advice as a professional matchmaker would be to wait on the coupon for at least the third date…unless you can find a way to make it sound like a deal and not a coupon. For example, if you can get cheap tickets for a movie or a round of golf or a concert, maybe the other person won’t find that cheap because it is an expensive thing to do. However, using dollar-off coupons at your local fast food restaurant on a first date highly minimizes the chances for a second.
What do you think? Does cutting coupons also cut your chances for another date? Do you think a man who uses coupons is cheap? Do you use coupons?
When we tend to run on about these kinds of things, very often we can get caught up, and forget (as Jill Scott reminds us) how Blessed we are…
